Uninterrupted Thoughts

This phrase is so cliché, but I’m sure for a few people it holds some truth! This year, I decided not to follow the crowd and not make any new year resolutions! Let’s face it, how many times have you said you were going to lose weight, start saving, pay off debt, party less, stay out of drama, travel more, or be a better person in the new year, but by Memorial Day you revert back to “old habits, old me”? I get it, a new year almost seems like a restart button for all of your shortcomings, but is it really that simple? Why can’t you seem to get your life on the right path? It’s because “old habits die hard”. It takes more than just talking about what changes you’re going to make, you have to actually put time and work in daily.

I know countless times I’ve also been guilty of saying, “next year I’m going to do better”, but why does it take waiting for another year to come to want to make changes that you can make right now? One of my worst habits is procrastinating! I know I need to get things done, but I will make an excuse or put it off until I have no choice, but to do it. I wanted to break my old, bad habits so I decided to look at different articles to help with this issue. I ran across one recently called “Why Bad Habits Are So Easy to Make and So Hard to Break” and it talked about how our brains work on a “trigger and reward basis”. It talked about how easy it is to get into a routine and how hard it is to fight back when the undesired behavior occurs. Less than half of the time, our mind is occupied with other things while actions are completed unconsciously and to a certain degree, this is desirable and enables us to complete repetitive tasks without expending unnecessary concentration.

Once we decide to get rid of the old habits we’ve already made the first step which is to first be conscious of the problem. In order to rid ourselves of bad habits we must create a strategy on how to eliminate the issue, after that we must execute our plan with any and all available resources. Start writing down goals, find an accountability partner, give yourself deadlines, find a mentor, seek counseling and do whatever is necessary to help you achieve your success! In the words of John C. Maxwell, “you’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”

I know some of you are probably wondering, “Is she about to talk about the actual song WAP?” You can unclutch your pearls now because the answer is “no”. I just wanted to use the acronym to get your attention. Did it work? It’s amazing how as soon as this song dropped it spread like wildfire. Everyone was talking about it, whether it was positive or negative feedback, it had people talking. The WAP I’m referring to stands for “words are powerful”. I’m sure you’ve been cautioned throughout your life about being careful what you say. Whether it was at school, home, church or out in public, your words could stir up some unwanted trouble. Why are words so powerful? It’s interesting how two people can get into a fistfight and heal physically from the altercation, but if words were exchanged it will be embedded in their minds far longer than it would take a busted lip or black eye to heal. Back in the day people would say “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Which has proven to be a lie especially in today’s society, as you’ve probably witnessed seeing people crying at school because someone called them ugly, fat, loser, poor or even opposition with your spouse, family member, or friend.

Words truly do cause internal damage. According to an old article in the Huffington Post, Dr. Hyder Zahed had this to say, “Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.” I know I’ve used my words in the past to hurt people because I wanted them to feel exactly how I felt on the inside: miserable! I’ve also said things out of anger or frustration because I didn’t know how to constructively express my feelings without being offensive. The tongue is a very powerful tool and is sharper than a two-edged sword! It’s easier said than done because what triggers one person may vary from the next, but you definitely don’t want to say something that may come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!

I recently read an article called Using Words to Heal where Dr. Gabriel Roberts stated, “The words we hear, those we choose and those we choose to omit, lay the groundwork for our relationship with others, our view of ourselves and our perception of the world. Words can predispose us to like or dislike something or someone, and they can influence those things that we hold as truths. Words are intimately tied to our emotional experience and make a significant impression on us from birth.” He couldn’t be more right! Have you ever noticed yourself saying things like, “I don’t know if I will get along with this person”, “I hope they don’t say anything to offend me”, “That’s not my type of crowd”, “I don’t know if I’ll like this or that”? These words are already setting up a negative environment for you before you even give someone a chance. We have to watch what we say! Sometimes we speak things into existence that may not have ever came to past just because of our negativity! Remember, “Choose your words carefully because once they exit your mouth you can never get them back.”

Think Before You Speak by Alicia Azahar

They say there’s power in the tongue so be careful what you say,

Life or death is the wager, choose the price you want to pay,

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to think twice before you speak,

Just because your choice is silence it doesn’t make you frail or weak,

I would rather stand in silence than use my words to stir up anger,

You never know when your mouth could lead you to a trail of danger,

Walk away from that fight, allow peace to ease your mind,

But if trouble is what you seek then it won’t be hard to find,

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words internally will cause a bruise,

So before you start to speak be clear of the words you choose,

It’s up to you to take the high road even if it causes pain,

You have a lot more to lose than you would ever have to gain.

To be honest, I had to pause for a moment and really contemplate on this question. For the longest time I thought these two had similar meanings, but the more I observed my daily life and surroundings, I discovered that they are very different. There are many of us who wake up every single day doing the same routine. Eat, go to work, bathe, sleep, pay bills, and repeat. Day in and day out we continue this cycle and it even becomes robotic for some. This is what you call existing, which is basically doing what is required or needed to survive. How many of us are truly living? What I mean by living is: are you making the most out of your life by truly embracing it and fulfilling your purpose?

Recently, Chadwick Boseman passed away and for those of you who don’t know who he is, he starred in the Marvel movie, Black Panther. I know you’re probably curious as to how his death ties into living or existing, but I promise it will make more sense in a minute. I recently ran across an Instagram post by Lupita Nyong’o where she was talking about the impact that Chadwick had in her life in the short amount of time she spent with him. It was a pretty heartfelt and lengthy post so I won’t recap everything she said, but what did stand out to me was her saying, “When I was around Chadwick, I wanted to be better, less petty, more purposeful. He was fueled by love, not fear. He moved quietly, deliberately and without imposing himself or ideals on others. And yet, he also made damn sure his life meant something.”

Imagine the impact someone who was here only for 42 years of life made on people in that small amount of time. To us 42 years is a short life, but because he woke up each day on purpose and used his time wisely it felt infinite. I sat back and literally let her words resonate in the back of my mind. I had to ask myself this important question, “Am I fulfilling my purpose and making sure my life means something?” I hope I am, because to leave an impression in someone’s life as deep as he did meant that he WAS fulfilling his purpose! He lived his life quietly, but yet his presence was so loud that it left an echo after his passing! What inspired me even more so was the fact that he was secretly battling colon cancer for four years and still gave his all throughout his work! His costars had no idea he was not only fighting for his life onscreen, but off screen as well. He never let on to his struggle, but stayed focused and gave his all each and every single day!

What inspires you today? What fuels you to get out of bed in the morning and live your life on purpose? You are not here by accident! We were gifted with one life and we should maximize the time we have each and every day. Quit wasting your life by just existing and stand out in this world! Leave your mark and start living your best life!

This is not one of my typical blogs where I talk about a subject, elaborate on it and leave you with some helpful tips to improve your life. This post is more personal. I’m not sure if you noticed, but it’s been about two weeks since my last blog. I’ve been kind of in a funk lately and had to take some time off for my mental well being. It’s not that I didn’t have any material to write about, but I just needed a moment for myself! Have you ever seen those memes going around where it says, “check on your friends” and it has some description explaining why? Well, recently I’ve been that friend! I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for a minute now.

You may be wondering what’s wrong with me and to tell you the truth, I can’t exactly pin point the issue, but I can say it’s been a list of events that have triggered my discontent. Some of you might be thinking, “but I’ve seen you post stuff on social media and you’ve seemed fine!” That’s true, but I’m not one to display my personal business for the world to see or at least I try not to! You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors! Those demons they have to face at the end of the day when they log off of their computers and take their masks off. I’m sure you’ve heard stories where a person seemed fine, but then all of a sudden your hear about them committing suicide or having a nervous breakdown. I’m not saying that mine has been to the point of self harm, but I have been having some ugly thoughts lately! With this whole pandemic, working from home, virtual learning with my children, cooking, cleaning, not getting enough rest, dealing with my own personal issues and others, it has taken a toll on me!

I thought I would be the winner in this “Survivor” series, but sadly, I’m not! Mental health is so important and it shouldn’t be taken lightly! You never know what series of events will be the “last straw that broke the camels back” for you. I’m the one who was excited to work from home and be able to care for my family, but this mama needs a BREAK! I didn’t realize the affect everything would have on me until I started getting emotional about EVERYTHING and it even started trickling down into my marriage! I started second guessing conversations, actions, and things that I felt internally. Things I normally would not question or get upset about started to take a turn for the worse! I didn’t explode into a million pieces on the outside, but on the inside, I felt myself crumbling. I tried to put on a brave face and pretend like everything was fine, but it wasn’t. I was having feelings of emptiness, isolation, and uselessness. Recently, I told some close family members that, “this isn’t me!” and I knew it wasn’t, but I just couldn’t find my way out of that mental and emotional prison!

You’re probably wondering if I’m back to 100% myself and the answer is no, but I’m a lot closer than I was! I still battle with certain things on a daily basis, but with God, prayer, the support of family members, and my husband/children, I’ve been doing a lot better! I wrote all of this to tell you that sometimes it’s okay, not to be okay! We all have been in a state of mind where we didn’t know what to do or we didn’t feel like 100% ourselves. Never be ashamed to tell someone that you are not well! Also, if you do notice someone is not being themselves reach out to them and make sure that they are okay! Sometimes it is something as small as, “I’m here for you”, “I’m listening”, “Are you okay?” or “What can I do to help?” that can make a world of difference for those who are troubled. It could be your mother, father, sister, brother, friend or neighbor who is crying for help, but don’t know how to get it! Like the saying goes, “check on your friends” because they just may not be okay!

This is a popular saying I’ve been hearing for quite awhile. What does the term really mean? Basically, it’s in reference to when you say what’s on your mind without any consideration of who you’re speaking to, the situation you’re in, or circumstance; whether it’s blunt, rude, mean, or inappropriate. I know we all have that one friend or family member that we “just know is going to say whatever comes out of their mouth” and we kind of brace ourselves for what they are about to say next! It can also have multiple meanings depending on how you’re using the phrase. I’ve seen people post pictures and caption it, “no filter” which they are basically telling you that, “this picture is unedited or untouched”. They want you to know that they look good in a photo without having to alter it.

Having “no filter” when speaking to someone or posting online can often lead to some negative backlash, disapproval, or repercussions. I know what you’re thinking, “why should I care about what other people think about what comes out of my mouth?” Have you seen all of the drama where people have posted some really crude, mean, or offensive remarks on social media? Their tweets or posts could’ve been from years ago, but the things they said or posted came back to haunt them! You see all of these people publicly apologizing for saying ignorant, hurtful things and some people even get “cancelled” or fired for it!

People really don’t have a clue how their words can be hurtful, upsetting, offensive, or even disrespectful to someone. It can be dangerous especially if you are around people who have no tolerance for it. Why is it so important to have a filter? Because it shows your restraint, respect, and acknowledgement of the person or situation. Words can be hurtful and it’s important to be careful what we say to someone. Not everyone wants to hear your unfiltered, not-well-thought-out remarks. Now there is a big difference between having “no filter” and giving constructive criticism or feedback. The latter are thought out, pays attention to detail, and gives feedback that in turn can build someone up without leaving them feeling offended or upset. Have you ever heard of the term “be careful what you say?” It’s imperative that you choose your words carefully because you never know if you are one word away from destruction! Like a wise man once said, “Your words can be powerful, they can hurt or uplift, so think before you speak as every word you say counts!”

I know this topic is going to hit home for many of us. How many times throughout your life have you been noticed, but not necessarily acknowledged? To simplify my question I will define the two terms. Notice means to actually observe or pay attention. You can notice a behavior, person, or object. Acknowledge is when you bring importance or recognition to the quality of that behavior, person, or object. For example: you go out to eat with your significant other and someone he/she knows comes over to the table and they began talking. The person speaks to you out of courtesy because they notice you sitting at the table, but your significant other doesn’t introduce or acknowledge you as such and they continue their conversation. How would that make you feel? If you’re anything like me, then I’m sure upset, hurt, and disrespected comes to mind.

What about someone’s behavior? Have you ever been in a situation where someone has offended you and they notice how “different you’ve been acting”, but they don’t acknowledge the role they played in what has caused you to distance yourself from them? I hear a lot of people talking about not being noticed of their good efforts in: relationships, at their jobs, by family members or by society. I think the bigger issue is not being acknowledged by them. It’s easy for someone to notice you, but if they don’t put importance toward your efforts or you as a person, it has more of a negative impact on you. Everyone loves being recognized, but even more so they want to feel important and valued. No one wants to be ignored!

Why is acknowledging someone more impactful than noticing them? Because it can help boost their self esteem, morale, make them feel valued, and that they matter. Imagine working hard on your job everyday and going above and beyond what’s expected, but all you get is a “good job” occasionally. How would you feel? Not valued, I would assume. Now imagine those same efforts you put into your job and you start getting: incentives, raises, promotions, and bonuses for your efforts. Wouldn’t you feel appreciated, valued or important? I know I would! Let’s start showing appreciation to the people around us by acknowledging them.

If you are unsure of ways to acknowledge someone here are a few ideas: say “thank you”, give them a gift, hug them, make eye contact when talking to them, compliment or praise them, let them know verbally that you appreciate them, give them positive feedback, be present in their lives, don’t break your promises to them, and treat them as your equal. We are all human and I’m sure there are times when we don’t feel like we get the appreciation or acknowledgement the we deserve, but as a wise man once said, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

What is forgiveness? It’s a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you whether they deserve it or not. Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? For me personally, I struggle with forgiveness not just with other people, but with myself as well. Sometimes I even question the choices I have made in the past during certain situations. Why did I allow that to happen? Why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I fight back? Questions that I torment myself with, but can’t seem to answer.

I didn’t realize to what extent mine was until I read this article that talked about the signs of unforgiveness. Some of those signs were: burst of anger, petty and impulsive, compulsive, keeping list of offenses, hating yourself, desperate to make someone understand how you feel, not taking responsibility for your feelings, and a few more. Of that list, I could say I identified with about half if not more. I know some of you are going about your daily lives believing that you don’t have an issue forgiving people, but sadly, you just might. I’ve heard a lot of people joke about being petty, I myself, am guilty. Did you know that being petty is a sign of unforgiveness? If you are a tit-for-tat kind of person then you, my friend, definitely struggle with forgiveness! Our world is full of unforgiveness and it’s eating away at it’s core. Unforgiveness is toxic and unhealthy; it literally causes stress, illness, depression and an unhappy life.

How can you learn to forgive? I’ve also researched and found a few suggestions: turn a new leaf (what happened physically in the past needs to be let go and not remain in our mental future), align yourself with God (all of your troubles and issues need to be given to God; let go and let God), never go to bed angry (those angry, bitter thoughts and feelings can manifest into your subconscious and do more harm than you know), instead of pointing the finger at others learn more about yourself (why do you allow the actions of others to negatively affect you), hold yourself accountable for your actions (what role did you play in the situation), remove bitterness from your mind (whatever is causing your harsh feelings remove it), practice kindness over being right (if you’re in an argument put your ego aside and humble yourself instead of trying to prove a point) and stop looking for a reason to be mad (quit setting yourself up to have an argument in the first place). Someone once told me that when you forgive someone it’s more for your peace of mind! Stop allowing people to live rent free in your mind. Let go of your ego and do yourself a favor by giving yourself peace. At the end of the day forgiveness may be the key to unlocking your blessings!

This is an interesting topic to discuss because naturally we are all curious and want to know what hot topics are trending. For some people, peeping out of the window and looking at the daily activities of their next door neighbor can be pretty satisfying. For others, following celebrities and knowing the “what, when and where’s” of their daily lives can be exciting. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a juicy story and occasionally find myself dipping into trending stories or listening intently to what happened to “such and such”, but what do we really accomplish with the information we obtain? Absolutely nothing! It’s just gossip that has spread like wildfire to any bending ear that is willing to receive it.

Why do we get so wrapped up in someone else’s business? Is it because we don’t have anything exciting going on in our own lives? Or is it because we feel entitled to know their business? With the shape that our world is in, time and time again we see where “minding other people’s business” can turn out bad! If you’re wondering what I’m talking about think about stories where someone was being nosy and called the police on another person that resulted in that person’s death, excessive force, or public humiliation! Now, I know what you’re thinking, “what if it’s a real crime happening?” and by all means, “CALL THE POLICE!” I’m talking about situations that are clearly none of our business and where no immediate threat or danger is impending on yourself or others. There is so much negativity circulating on the news and around our daily lives that it has impacted us in different ways. We are constantly living in fear of contracting Covid, losing our jobs, political warfare, family drama, and the list goes on and on.

It’s time that we all get our houses in order and focus on what difference we can make in this world! Let’s focus on things that are productive and will help better our circumstances and world. Here is a list of things you can do to improve your life and/or others: vote, exercise, protest, community service, read a book, start a new hobby, spend time with friends/family, join a cause, go to work, start a journal, clean and/organize your house, start a business, have a yard/garage sale, and cook. These are just a few, but I’m sure there are other things you could research and find to do. It’s not an easy task minding our own business, but as a wise man once said, “Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear what belongs to others is their business and none of yours!”

We’ve all been down this path of self-doubt and uncertainty, where we second guess ourselves to the point of depleting any and all self confidence we’ve ever had. Have you ever known the answer to something, but for some reason you were afraid to give a response for fear that you just might be wrong? Or what about doubting your capabilities in leading or teaching a new thing to someone? Isn’t it amazing how we put so much trust in other people or even technology to educate us on things than we do our own selves? I know I’ve struggled with self confidence in the past. I’ve had opportunities thrown at me for training positions, leadership roles and etc, but turned them down due to me not “seeing myself” in those positions. Truthfully, I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to fulfill those roles and basically threw away opportunities given to me. How many of you have ever felt like me? Have you ever just made up an excuse just because you were afraid you would not live up to the potential that other people saw in you?

It’s time to break the chains of “self doubt” and free our minds from captivity. Each and everyone of us have the opportunity to show the world that we do have what it takes. I recently researched different techniques you can use to build your self confidence back up and so far they have helped me. Here is a list of techniques you can use: daily affirmations, picturing yourself as who you want to become, do something that scares you every day, reflect on your criticisms of yourself, do the 100 days of rejection challenge, position yourself for a victory, help someone else in need, and self care. Confidence comes from within; its not something we can just put on or pick out of a magazine. It’s the acknowledgement and appreciation in your own abilities and qualities. Let’s start retraining our minds on things that will improve us and tapping into any available resources to become our best selves. That way when our time has come to be picked we will turn our “no” into “know”!

Imagine sitting at your desk when all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of doom comes over you. Your hands begin to shake and sweat, your breathing is rapid, your heart is drumming a mile a minute, you feel this sudden tightness in your chest all the while sweat is pouring down your face. You want to scream for help, but it’s as if the words are stuck to the roof of your mouth. What is this feeling, am I having a heart attack, you wonder? What you are experiencing is called a panic attack. The text book definition of a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause.

I remember my first episode several years ago. I had been stressing constantly about bills, work, my toxic relationship, and all of that stress caught up with me. I remember lying down to go to sleep and waking up feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest. That was one of the scariest feelings ever! I would often get them at work or whenever I stressed too much! I remember going to the ER for what I thought was a heart attack, but after several test, I found out I was healthy as a horse. The doctor asked me had I been stressing because everything I was experiencing seemed to be caused by it. I remember having a conversation with my dad about what happened and he told me that whatever was causing my stress, I needed to remove it out of my life or else it would remove me. I had to make a conscious decision to eliminate the source of my problems. Once I started eliminating those stressors I started getting less panic attacks.

I use to think that people with mental disorders or some kind of chemical imbalance were the only ones that experienced panic attacks. I didn’t realize that something as simple as stress could be the cause of mine! Thousands of people deal with panic disorder everyday and aren’t even aware of it. Some of the symptoms include: feeling of impending doom, fear of death, rapid breathing/heart rate, sweating, trembling, tingling or numbness, tightening of the throat, chills, nausea, dizziness, and stomach issues. Although panic attacks can come without warning, there are different techniques to help you through an episode such as: deep breathing, talking to a loved one or someone you trust, exercising, focusing on an object in the room, meditating, closing your eyes, hugging someone tight, and etc. Life is unpredictable and you may not always be able to avoid certain situations that cause stress. Sometimes we have to deal with issues head on and face the consequences later. Remember, “What consumes your mind controls your life.”