Uninterrupted Thoughts

Love is a four letter word that holds so much power. Some people kill for it, some people steal for it, and some even die for it. Love is something that most people yearn for. Look at all of the Disney movies that exploit it to gain profit. The young princess falls in love with her “prince charming”, gets married and lives “happily ever after”. As young girls and boys watch these movies, fairytale-like fantasies are embedded in their minds. They learn at a young age that love is important. As they grow older, they quickly learn that love is not some fairytale where you live “happily ever after.” In fact, it’s quite the opposite! They quickly realize after their first heartbreak that love actually kind of hurts!

I remember my first heartbreak and how it emotionally scarred me. The mere thought of being cheated on and feeling like I wasn’t enough was devastating, but in reality, he was just a jerk! I’ve learned throughout the years that love is not a walk in the park. There is no “prince charming” fighting dragons and rushing up a tower to come save me. I learned that I would not be woken up out of a deep sleep with a gentle kiss from my “knight in shining armor”. I quickly learned about what I “thought” was love with a firm hand wrapped around my throat. Instead of a sweet tender kiss, I got a hard fist against my jaw. No sooner than it started my whole world came crashing down. Those once “I love you’s” turned to “I hate you’s”. My ex, who I thought I was in love with was just a “wolf disguised in sheep clothing”. I thought that if I just stayed and loved him harder that he would change. I never thought that the same hand that was supposed to protect me would be the very one that would hurt me. I was so emotionally disconnected from reality that at one point, I thought it was my fault. I felt sorry for him because of his horrible upbringing. I use to make excuses for his aggression and angry outburst, but I didn’t realize at the time that kind of behavior was NOT okay!

There are so many cases of domestic violence around the world, and no it’s not just women who experience it, but men as well! Domestic violence is not always physical, it can also be sexual, emotional, economical, and psychological as well. This has been an ongoing issue for centuries. Some people are in an abusive relationship or household at this very moment and aren’t even aware of it! You may say, “I don’t walk around with black eyes or busted lips!”, but it may be affecting you internally. Mental abuse is basically insults, verbal attacks or put-downs. It can also be nonverbal such as threatening facial expressions, gestures, and body postures. Psychological abuse is economic or social control such as: economic deprivation, controlling the victim’s money, preventing the victim from seeing family and friends, sabotaging the victims social relationships, and isolating the victim from social contacts. Sexual abuse is undesired or forceful behavior or molestation. I can’t begin to tell you how many women and men I know personally that have fallen victim to sexual abuse as well!

I’ve had all forms of abuse done to me, but I wasn’t aware of some of them until I got out of my toxic relationship! I stayed for almost eight years before I had enough courage to leave. I was at my wits end and decided that I, nor my children, deserved to go through this trauma! There was nothing my parents, siblings, friends or anyone else could say to make me leave until I was good and ready to. Once I mustered up the courage to leave him, I never looked back. I don’t know how many times I could’ve been one of those domestic violence cases that ended tragically! No one deserves to be mistreated especially by the person that claims they love you. I don’t know what you are personally going through, but if the kind of love you are experiencing results in: depression, feelings of unworthiness, insults, emotional trauma, financial insecurity, unwanted sexual molestation/abuse, bruises, trips to the hospital, or near death encounters then that’s definitely not love! You need to find an exit route ASAP! In order to leave, you must first be willing and ready because if you’re not, you’ll just go back to your abuser. Also, you have to believe that a better life outside of your relationship is possible! I learned quickly that my children and I could make it without him. I didn’t want to be another statistic and leave my children motherless. I had a wonderful support team from my family and friends that helped make our transition easier. If you don’t have family or friends to help, there are hotlines and/or local resources in the community available. Please don’t wait until it’s too late! Remember, “love heals not hurts!”

What do these mean and do you identify with any of them? I recently came across a video by a man named, Paul Scanlonuk, where he discussed the differences between prejudice, discrimination, and racism. I thought I knew the definition of all three of these and could confidently differentiate between them. Growing up in a small town, I’ve heard some prejudice remarks and witnessed racism and/or discrimination myself. I use to think that being prejudice was a nicer form of racism, but didn’t truly understand the definition. In this video, Paul Scanlonuk first discusses prejudice, which is to have a prejudgmental mindset towards a person because of the group they represent. Anyone can be prejudice. If you are uncomfortable around certain groups or persons based off of the stereotypes that you may have grown up with or nurtured by through society, then you are prejudice.

Some stereotypes that I’ve heard of over the years are: Arabs/Muslims are terrorist, Mexicans are lazy and came here illegally, Jews are greedy and money hungry, Asians are horrible drivers, Blacks are always late, lazy, and violent, and Whites have no rhythm, racist, and play victim. Another example is: you get uncomfortable or feel negative towards people who dress, talk or look a certain way: baggy clothes, hoodies, braids, chains, biker clothes, tattoos, shaved heads, hijabs, foreign accents, slang, Mohawks, and more. For me personally, seeing people with shaved heads, tattoos or dressed in certain attire use to give me an uneasy feeling. Part of it was growing up and watching shows which depicted this certain group as bad, or trouble makers. Little did I know, you can’t judge a book by its cover. I’ve seen situations where people who looked normal and dressed conservative have done some pretty horrible things!

Next, Paul talked about discrimination. Basically, it’s prejudice through action. One way to discriminate is to exclude people from certain things due to the group they represent. Also, making fun, jokes, or not speaking up for certain groups is a form of discrimination. Those few points are the milder forms of it, but an extreme form would be using violence or aggression fueled by hate towards these groups. Some organized groups that fuel their discrimination through hate would be: the Klu Klux Klan, black nationalist groups, anti-LGBT organizations, Nation of Islam, and anti-government militias.

The last point he talked about was racism, which is where a group’s prejudice is backed by law. When a system protects people’s privilege backed by law then that’s where racism breeds. He also spoke about how an individual or group can’t be racist if they don’t have laws or systems protecting their prejudices. They can be prejudice or discriminate, but not racist. This was a real eye opener for me because I’ve found myself labeling people as racist, prejudice, or showing discrimination when truly they may have been the opposite. It also made me think about the different prejudices I’ve had toward certain people or groups as well. I have had to take a deeper look inside myself and think about how judgmental I’ve been and analyze different comments or jokes I’ve made in my past. I am just as guilty as anyone of being prejudice and I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been blind and ignorant as well! If you have ever come across being labeled or accused of one of these three things, take a deeper look inside yourself and do some self evaluation.

We all need to take a step back from the stereotypical views of society and learn about the people around us. One thing that has helped me throughout my life is: to have a conversation with people that make me feel uncomfortable and get to know them. By tearing down that wall of uncertainty, I was able to see people for exactly who they are, human! I even found similarities in our upbringing, religious views, and culture. Let’s start showing love to people who are different than us and quit being caught up in our prejudices, racism, and discrimination. In the words of James Baldwin, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

This topic has been creating controversy all across America due to the inequalities that have been plaguing our country for years. What is privilege? It’s a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group. I was recently watching a documentary on Netflix called: “Hello privilege, it’s me, Chelsea.” Where comedian/talkshow host Chelsea Handler shed light on “white privilege” in America. Some people may be a little confused with the term “white privilege”, but allow me to define it for you. White privilege, according to Wikipedia, refers to societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people in some societies, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances. With roots in European colonialism the Atlantic Slave trade, and the growth of the Second British Empire after 1783, white privilege has developed in circumstances that have broadly sought to protect white racial privileges, various national citizenships and other rights or special benefits.

Even with proof, people still choose to turn a blind eye to the fact that some people or groups are more privileged than others. Chelsea Handler talked about how she use to be oblivious to her “white privilege” until recently. She shared situations to where she got away with not going to jail for having drugs on her, but at the time her then boyfriend would always get arrested. Her ex boyfriend was black and she thought that she didn’t get arrested because she was nice. She also talked about how she got away with a lot of stuff in her career that a black woman would never have gotten away with. During her documentary she even went around interviewing white and black people to see what their views were on “white privilege” and how we could heal as a country and treat people of color equal. For the most part, the black people said that it needs to be acknowledged that it’s happening in the first place. Some also stated that the issue is “white people problems” and that they need to have an open dialogue with one another and figure out what their issue is. Others said that less talking needs to be done and more action.

When she interviewed white people some responded with disregard to the issue, others thought that everything was fine and that we have come along way as a country, while some thought that we should “get over it” and move on. One lady stated that “we all have equal opportunities and my privilege didn’t get me anywhere. I got there by working hard.” It was interesting to see the different responses from the ones that were affected negatively by “white privilege” and the ones who benefited from it. My take away from the documentary was that it’s hard for a lot of white people to realize that “white privilege” does exist because it’s not hurting their lives. Most were oblivious to it because they don’t associate themselves around a lot of people who are oppressed. If you are interested in knowing more about why people are blind to their privilege, here is another great article I’ve recently ran across https://www.mindful.org/the-research-on-white-privilege-blindness/. A psychologist, named Taylor Phillips, talks about “privilege blindness” and how it is a form of something psychologists call motivated reasoning, in which we perceive the world in ways that mesh with our personal beliefs about what is right and what we want to be true. I believe this is all a learning experience and if we start shedding light on these uncomfortable topics, we can all learn and grow. In the words of Renita Siqueira, “Privilege can either blind or be an eye-opener. The choice is ours”.

We’ve found this to be evident all throughout history. Whether it was for a good cause or for a bad cause, “strength in numbers” definitely affected the outcome of each situation. Any time there has been an injustice, policy change, or change in laws, it’s always caused by the majority coming together voicing their opinions. Why is it so affective, “strength in numbers”? Because it’s hard for one single person to overpower a multitude of people. The odds are always better when you have a lot of people supporting or standing up for something, especially when it’s for a good cause or standing up for what is right.

With the recent injustices going on today, there has been a lot of division in our country. Many people are angry, hurt, offended, disgusted and tired of what seems to be an imbalance in our judicial system. There have been protests, riots, looting, and even some injuries due to the intolerance of inequality. Some people believe that the actions of certain groups are causing even more division in America and that it needs to cease. Others believe that the silence behind these injustices are adding even more fuel to the fire. With that being said, what can we do as a whole to bring our divided country back together and heal our land? How can we use our “strength in numbers” for good and not evil?

There are different ways you can look at this question and you may even come up with different answers. I’ve done some soul searching and research myself and I have come up with several suggestions. First, we must start off by acknowledging that there is an issue of racism and injustice in the first place. By acknowledging the problem, we can start working on finding a solution collectively. Second, we must find common ground in our values on equality, opportunity, and society. We must practice inclusion for all races and/or ethnicities and provide a diverse platform where everyone can thrive and grow together. Third, we must recognize everyone’s values and use that as a bridge to connect and not pass over one another. If we focus on the values of one another and blend them all together, we will understand that we are more successful working together than apart. This in turn will give everyone a fair chance all across the board.

We must have these difficult conversations with one another to shed light on systemic hindrances towards equal opportunity and equal justice. Instead of focusing on each individual and what actions brought on their afflictions, we need to educate ourselves on societal circumstances and conditions to help us better understand the background of “why” these situations keep happening. Also, we need to be detailed about the various sources of racial versus socioeconomic inequalities. Racism has a greater impact on people than poverty, high crimes, and broken educational systems. Although they all can coexist, racism has a harsher affect.

Lastly, we should accept and acknowledge our racial and ethnic differences. Understand that each ethnic group has different stereotypes and prejudices based on various social identities. Acknowledge that although we all have our own issues, some races may have more barriers of gaining equality due to the color of their skin and background. If we stop hiding under the covers and realize that with just enough voices we can tear down walls, then and only then will things change. Quit using the excuse that your opinion doesn’t matter or that your voice won’t be heard. As someone once said, “there is strength in numbers, yes, but even more so in collective goodwill. For those endeavors are supported by mighty forces unseen.”

I know what you’re probably thinking and to answer your question, I’m not talking about those kind of benefits. I’m referring to the ones that add value to your life. How many of us can truly say that we have real friends who add value to our lives? I’m guessing not too many of us. The way I measure if someone is my true friend is not only someone who is trustworthy, positive, dependable and honest, but also someone who I can learn from and grow. Many people walk around imagining that the very people they associate themselves with on occasion are their true friends, but the truth is, they may be either acquaintances or casual friends. Some people confuse actual friends with acquaintances or casual friends all of the time.

There are actually four different types of friendships: acquaintance, casual, close and intimate. An acquaintance is someone you barely know, and is not a close friend. For example: you go out every weekend partying or to a social event, and you see people you know of and may interact with in passing by. They are just people that you may bump into from time to time. A casual friendship is one where you intentionally plan to spend time with, but the interactions may vary per occasion. These are the type of friends you hang out with at similar places you may have met them at such as: work, social events, or parties. You probably wouldn’t confide in them with personal information, just small talk.

The third type of friendship is a close friendship. This friendship is closer than causal because you make intentional plans to hangout regularly. A close friend may help you out in your time of need, they’re dependable, trust worthy, you can celebrate the good times with them and you can confide in them with personal information. The last type of friendship is an intimate friendship. This is the deepest friendship of them all. They are normally ones you call your “best friends”; the ones who know you like the back of their hand.The intimate friend is one who holds you accountable and provides insight for personal growth. Often it may be hard to listen to their constructive criticism, but you aren’t easily insulted because you know they are coming from a good place and you value their opinion. This kind of friendship is the most valuable because not only does it withstand the test of time: the good, bad and ugly, but this friendship is one that has been developing for years.

Figure out which type of friendships you have in your life. Its okay to have all four of these, but please don’t be confused with what they truly are! Someone once told me that in order to measure someone’s friendship think about whether they make time for you, decide if they put the same amount of effort into the friendship as you, consider if they are true to their word, and also determine if they have other motives for becoming your friend. Remember, “friendship is always a sweet responsibility not an opportunity.” -Khalil Gibran

Almost everyone has had this fear throughout their life. Whether it was going to a new school, getting a new job, having children, or moving out of your parents house, all of these circumstances can bring on some uncertainties that drive fear into our lives. Even during this Covid pandemic, we see all of these unexpected turns with our economy, school closures, infection rates, death tolls, and loss of employment. Many people are fearful because they don’t know how they are going to make ends meet, where their next meals will come from, how their kids are going to learn being at home, and if society will ever get back to “normal”. Not knowing the outcome of these situations can definitely bring on some unwanted anxiety!

I remember a time in my life when I really feared the unknown. It was my first pregnancy and I didn’t have a clue about being pregnant or raising a child. I had to rely on my parents, sister, friends, and the Internet to give me insight about what was ahead. Even with all of the helpful information I received, I still had my fears and doubts! Nothing could truly prepare me for my daughter’s arrival except learning hands on. Once my daughter was born, all of my fears seemed to dissolve the more I learned her and understood her needs. My daughter was the true instructor!

Why is it that we as humans fear the unknown? The only reasonable explanation I could come up that makes sense is, failure! We fear the unknown because we all are afraid of failing. “What if I don’t make any friends at my new school?” “What if I am not successful in my new role?” “What if I don’t meet the expectations of my new manager or we don’t get along?” “What if I can’t afford my rent and bills and have to move back home?” “What if I’m not a good mother/father?” All of these concerns derive from the ugly truth that failure is scary! Sometimes it can’t be avoided. There are times in our lives where we will fail, but that doesn’t mean that’s the end for us! It’s a learning opportunity for us to improve and grow. Instead of fearing the unknown let’s embrace it and except the challenge!

I’ve heard this too many times in my life. The fact that you are being asked to do something, but that person doesn’t want you to feel pressured to do it immediately. Somehow even with someone saying “no pressure”, it seems to add even more pressure on you. Whether it’s meeting deadlines at work, assignments for school, or dealing with the day-to-day expectations of life, the pressure can get heavy. We all know what happens to pipes when they have too much pressure, they burst!

Just like those pipes, we too can succumb to the demands of life and eventually combust. Lately, I’ve been under a little pressure with getting my business started. I feel like I’m racing against an invisible clock! I can hear those minutes and seconds ticking away quickly, but I feel like I have only accomplished a minuscule amount of what I need done. But is all pressure truly bad for you? We know that things tend to burst when the burden or load becomes unbearable, but what if I told you that pressure also creates diamonds?

They say “diamonds are a girls best friend!”, but if that coal never felt the pressure, diamonds would cease to exist! Life is always going to throw challenges your way, but it’s up to you to decide how you want to handle those situations. Do you want to burst like a pipe and destroy everything around you? Or do you want to create something beautiful such as a diamond from the pressures of life? Take the ugliness of life and create something beautiful! Like a wise man once said, “the gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials!”

How many times have you seen or heard this reference? You may be more familiar with one than the other depending on the person. I have been on both sides of the spectrum throughout my life, but I can honestly say the one with the upper hand may have some second thoughts about the person on the receiving end. What does this even mean “help up” and “hand out” you ask? A hand out is something given freely. A help up is providing someone with the necessary tools or info to accomplish a task and be successful.

If you have ever wondered about what end of the spectrum you are on, or if you ever had a hand out, think about when you were a child under your parents roof. You got handouts all of the time! Free food, clothes, allowance, toys, your own room and the list goes on and on. Remember when you could just walk up to your parents ask for a dollar and your mom or dad would reach into their wallets and grant your request? That my friend, is called a hand out!

Now, I’m sure you haven’t always had a hand out because if your parents were anything like mine, as soon as I was old enough to get a job they were running me down the highway to work. My parents would encourage me to apply for jobs, assist with interview questions, and help me with my resume. That was definitely a help up and it taught me to be independent, self reliant, and how to work hard for what I wanted in life! Nowadays no one wants to work hard and earn their keep. They expect people to just throw opportunities at them without them lifting a finger.

It’s our job as parents, friends, and family to quit being enablers. Let’s start setting others up for success by giving them a help up! There are too many resources and valuable information floating around for people not to be successful. Here are some helpful tips for helping someone without necessarily enabling them. I’ve actually jotted these down for future reference myself. Share knowledge with them (inform them about what processes you went through ex: what worked or didn’t work for you), find out what’s valuable to them (what are their desires or goals?), share your resources (websites, applications and other useful tools), inform them about an opportunity (keep a lookout for possible job openings or opportunities of their interest), and provide honest feedback (constructive criticism is important). Remember, “Someone’s success can be on the other side of a help up, but if you choose to constantly give handouts, failure could be on the other side.”

This seems to be an ongoing battle for a lot of women today. “If I cut my hair will I still look attractive?” What goes through the minds of us women when dealing with our hair is nothing short of “can I pull this hairstyle off?” Why is it so important to have the perfect hairstyle? Society puts so much pressure on us to have those beautiful, lustrous locks that men can just run their fingers through. I know growing up having full, thick long hair would get you a lot of compliments, envious looks, or admiration.

I remember how my mom would sit me down with the hot comb and press my hair until it was straight. She used to tell me not to get my hair dirty when I would go outside and play. I started getting relaxers when I was of age and I remember how that “white creamy crack” would irritate my scalp often leaving chemical burns. I didn’t understand why it was necessary to put chemicals in my hair to make it look opposite of what God blessed me to have. As I got older, I jumped on the bandwagon and voluntarily started relaxing my own hair as I was conditioned to do since the age of 12.

I didn’t realize the message at the time that society had passed down to me at such a young age. The fact that my natural born hair wasn’t acceptable and that I needed to relax it in order to fit in. I was led to believe for the longest time that natural hair was ugly, nappy, or viewed as having poor hygiene. Instead of learning how to manage and take care of my own natural hair, I learned to be ashamed of it. I see a lot of women who choose to wear weaves, wigs, braids, and extensions as a form of protective styles. Also, it may be easier than having to stress about doing your hair every single day. Sometimes it can be a hassle to deal with our hair especially during a busy work week.

We all have a choice on how we style our hair and all hairstyles are beautiful, including natural. My point of this is to embrace what you have and appreciate it. Not one person is the same! Hair is beautiful no matter the color, pattern, texture or length. I have learned to embrace my hair throughout the years and enjoyed each different style I’ve worn. No matter what you decide to do to your hair just know that eventually it could be, “hair today and gone tomorrow!”

Have you ever had one of those situations where you got invited to a birthday party, but you declined because your funds were low? Or how about an invitation to dinner with friends, but you were broke? Instead of being upfront and explaining your financial situation you just made up an excuse for your absence. “I’m too tired,” “I just ate,” “I have prior obligations,” or “I’m not feeling well” are common excuses most people give. I know I’ve been guilty of this many times in my life. I was too embarrassed to let people know I couldn’t afford to go out and have a good time, so “for the sake of embarrassment” I made up an excuse to not participate.

Why is it that we get this way? Is it because of the chance of people judging our financial status? Some people may think that just because you have a decent paying job you should have money to do as you please. Or they think that just because they’re able to spend freely, you are on the same level as they are. Sadly, life doesn’t work this way! Just because someone makes good money it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have extra to spare. Usually the more money one makes the more bills they tend to have. Don’t forget to add children into the equation! That “free money” that you might’ve had during your “kid free” years has quickly turned into bill money. Let’s quit living in shame and learn to stand in our truth. If you aren’t able to financially afford extra festivities then your answer should be simple as that!