Uninterrupted Thoughts

I know a lot of you probably jumped on this post like, “where are you about to go with this, aren’t you married?” To answer your question, yes, I am! I just wanted to use a catchy title to grasp your attention for a moment. Now, why would I want to do something like that? To be honest, it’s been a minute, a year to be exact, since I’ve written a blog so I needed to peak your interest somehow. Did it work? Good! We are going to talk about cuffing, but not the one that you’re use to hearing about (inserts a wink)! Cuffing season, as we all know, is a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year. I want to leave you with something long term that will be effective during all of the seasons.

Cuffing has numerous meanings, let’s not pretend like it doesn’t. You can wear cuffs (handcuffs), you can also cuff the sleeves on your shirt or bottom of your pants, and then there is the cuff where it means a blow or to slap with an open hand. I want to talk about cuffing in the context of handcuffing, the restraining device used to bind your hands. How many of us are bound to things in life? It can be anything for example: people, things, trauma, money, addictions, resentment and the list goes on. I recently heard a message that talked about the things that you are “yolked” to can and WILL take control over your life. What’s tying you down and causing you to not progress in life? Has unforgiveness of that “thing” he or she has done to you kept you from embracing the freedom of forgiveness? Are you shackled to your addictions? You can’t walk out of the house without that addiction reeling you in and causing havoc wherever you go.

What is restraining you from being the very best version of yourself? A moment of transparency, I struggle with living in the past a lot. I try to move forward, but sometimes I allow things or people to pull me back to “back then.” I’ve held my own self back in many instances because I was too worried about the “old Alicia” and what she did or didn’t do that affected the “present Alicia.” Have you ever caught yourself saying things like, “if only I had of done this or that” or “if only I didn’t choose this path or that field”? If so, then you are bound to your past as well. Living in regret and bathing in a pool of pity has never gotten anyone far in life. Ask those who are still sitting there bathing and wrinkling in it.

I want to encourage you, as well as myself today, to break free of the things that are “cuffing” you! Stop carrying all of those unnecessary burdens and free yourself. The weight will only get heavier as life moves forward and you will be stuck in the same spot unable to move. I’m not sure what that “thing” is or who that person is, or where that place was you are trying to break free from, but I urge you to find that key and uncuff yourself! Trust me, it’s a constant battle daily, but you CAN and WILL get through it, IF you don’t give up on yourself! Remember, “handcuffs have keys for a reason, find them and free yourself!”

“Weighting for a Change” by Alicia S. Azahar

What’s weighing you down? Is it the burdens that come with life?
Are you shackled by disappointments and situations that bring you strife?
What has a hold of you and doesn’t want to let you go?
What has silenced your voice and has ran away your hope?
How heavy are your burdens and the things you hold on to?
What has caused you to sigh and grumble with everything that you do?
What has caused your face to harden and your laughter to decrease?
What has wiped away your smile, but caused your sorrow to increase?
Who has told you that you won’t make it and whispered failure in your ear?
What has blinded your once clear vision and has deafened what you hear?
What has replaced your beautiful reflection and traded it in for an ugly mask?
What has caused you to lose focus and forced you on a forbidden path?
What has made you question your abilities and lose confidence in yourself?
What has caused you to feel so lonely and to think no one will help?
What has given you a reason to quit and to throw in the towel?
Where’s the place that you’ve been buried in and stuck for awhile?
Those burdens you’re holding are only heavy as you allow them all to be,
There is someone who can take them, just give him your permission to carry,
How do you expect your burdens to lighten if you are not willing to exchange?
So trade them in for a lighter load while you are “weighting” for a change

You’re probably wondering what’s been going on in my life that I need to activate the Holy Spirit, huh? It has been awhile since I have graced you with my presence, but know that all is well and I’ve actually been busy with different projects. Right now, I’ve been juggling spending time with family, working these OT hours, enjoying the holidays and preparing for some upcoming events. So why the title, you ask? Well, I had a situation at work yesterday involving a customer who was very frustrated with the hold time. She just needed to get our fax number so that her husband’s doctor could fax his prescriptions in to our pharmacy. I apologized for the inconvenience this caused her because I know I would’ve been frustrated as well having to wait 30 minutes just to get a fax number. I mean, where is the automated voice recording that provides it for you like these doctors’ offices? Anyway, back to the issue. So in the middle of me providing the number she snaps at me and tried to complete the number rudely saying, “yeah 0092, I asked you for the fax number not the phone number!” I had to politely assure her (although I was a little agitated at her for being so rude and not allowing me the opportunity to assist with her request) that I indeed WAS providing the fax number if only she would give me the chance to finish. To enlighten you a little bit, our fax number is similar to our phone number with the exception of the last four digits being different. So I can see how she would’ve assumed I was giving her the phone number, but if she would’ve waited, she would’ve realized that it was indeed a different number.

In the midst of her snapping on me and realizing that she had been rude and foolish, she said something that calmed my spirit. She goes, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I’m not honoring God by talking to you that way. I love God and I hope you do too!”. Now how could I be upset with her after that? The mere fact that she acknowledged her wrong doing, apologized and corrected her actions made me realize something in that moment. How many times have I allowed the conviction of the Holy Spirit to stop me right in the middle of my foolishness and apologize to someone? How many times have I taken my frustrations out on my husband, children, family, strangers or even the dog and had not one ounce of remorse? The fact that she allowed her conscious (the Holy Spirit) to humble her and convict her heart spoke so many volumes about this woman. We even had a conversation about apologizing to people when we are in the wrong and how it’s hard sometimes to admit our wrong doing and ask for forgiveness. This lady apologized to me several more times and I let her know that there was no need to say sorry again because she was already forgiven the moment she repented. I told her that she gave me a revelation and made me realize something within myself. I need to watch how I talk to people or react to certain situations. I’m not perfect or exempt from how I treat people either. Am I truly honoring God by how I respond to people? I call myself a Christian, but do I truly understand what that means? When I get frustrated or angry am I quick to pop off? Curse? Yell? Talk reckless? How many people, that might have not known about God, have witnessed me act in such a foolish manner that it drove them away from the very one I claimed I loved so much and encouraged them to follow? Who am I to judge this lady when I’ve been guilty of the same exact thing that she did to me? It was a lesson for the both of us and I can honestly say that I gained so much wisdom from that incident. She even thanked me for being so kind to her and not reacting in a rude way towards her. She said, “I’m sure your job has taught you how to be polite to people and handle situations like this.” I let her know that although my job does encourage us to be courteous to our customers, I still had a choice in whether or not I wanted to treat her in that manner. I didn’t say it to be condescending, but to let her know that I did want to treat her how I would’ve wanted to be treated even if I was being rude.

We ended the call on a good note and she told me that she hoped when she calls in the future she gets me again. What a way to end a call, right? You may be wondering how this story can help you or what you can take away from it today. I would say, watch how you talk to people, treat people or react to situations. It’s okay to be upset, angry, frustrated or agitated, but it’s what we do or sometimes what we say that can negatively impact someone’s life. The lady even mentioned that she was glad I was a believer because if I wasn’t, her actions could’ve turned someone away from wanting to know about God. I’m not trying to make this blog into a sermon, but I do believe that we need to hold ourselves more accountable in the way that we talk and treat people. The world has enough negativity without us adding more to it. You never know what people are going through and we should make an effort to be as nice and respectful as we can be. I don’t know about you, but the next time I feel myself about to go off or say something reckless, I hope I remember this day and allow the Holy Spirit to “Activate, activate, activate”!

Think Before You Speak by Alicia Azahar

They say there’s power in the tongue so be careful what you say,
Life or death is the wager, choose the price you want to pay,
It doesn’t take a lot of effort to think twice before you speak,
Just because your choice is silence it doesn’t make you frail or weak,
I would rather stand in silence than use my words to stir up anger,
You never know when your mouth could lead you to a trail of danger,
Walk away from that fight, allow peace to ease your mind,
But if trouble is what you seek then it won’t be hard to find,
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words internally will cause a bruise,
So before you start to speak be clear of the words you choose,
It’s up to you to take the high road even if it causes pain,
You have a lot more to lose than you would ever have to gain.

As the final days of your Senior year comes to an end, you are left with the question, “what happens now?”. For some of you, college is only a couple of months away and then you will be sent off on a brand new journey. For others, work or the military will be your path of choice. Butterflies are starting to form in the pit of your stomach because now you are going to be on your own and experience life with a new set of lenses. Your parents are no longer going to be holding your hand and watching over you as closely as they were, it’s now up to you to apply those life lessons you were taught throughout the years. With each new pressing day you will be left with making decisions that you may not have been able to make on your own before. What happens now? A question that so many of us before you have had to answer when we first started our own journey. What will you do? How will you live your life? What path will you take on your transition to adulthood? These are questions that I want you to think about, but don’t answer them right away. Take a moment to breath in this soon-to-be new experience and reflect on it. I know you’re excited and the reality that you will soon be off on your own to make decisions for yourself is liberating.

With this upcoming new journey there will be some roadblocks that fall onto your path, but faint not. Those are just there to test your resilience. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but if you stay focused and keep your eyes on the prize you can overcome anything. Some of those roadblocks may come in the form of broken friendships, a new relationship, a new job, difficult professor, roommate, or whatever, but just remember “when opportunity comes, opposition follows”. Pause for a moment, take a deep breath and place your hand over your heart, do you feel that steady beat? That means that whatever situation you are faced with hasn’t killed you! Keep in mind that you will NOT always make the best decisions or say the right things, but don’t allow that to define who you truly are! It’s okay to be unsure about life right now because this is all so new to you. What if I want to switch my major? Is this truly the career path I want to take? These questions may pop up from time to time, and that’s okay. We often second guess our decisions and fear the unknown, but do what makes YOU happy. I understand that some of you may be the first ones in your family to graduate and go off to college. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud! Many people back home may be depending on you to make it and that can put a lot of pressure on you. Every decision you make could be the beginning or the end of a bright future for yourself. Take each day and each moment one at at time. Don’t overwhelm yourself with thousands of possibilities or outcomes because most of them won’t fit your narrative. Instead, focus on what task you have at hand and give your all each day. Whatever you choose to do, you must decide if you are going to give the best version of yourself or coast through life doing the bare minimum.

You were born for greatness and there is a gift(s) inside of you that the world can’t wait to see. Never give up on yourself no matter how tough life gets. Set goals each day and knock them out one by one. I don’t care if it’s as small as making it to your 8am class on time, just DO it! Don’t allow people who don’t have any dreams, goals, or ambitions to deter you off of your path. Their failures are not your responsibility! You are only in control of yourself and the choices you make. Remember that “life is really like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get” so always prepare! Never plan because it may not go as you want it to and then you will be left with the disappointment, but if you are prepared you will be able to pick up those broken pieces and move forward. People will come and go throughout your life, but just know that everything has a season and not everyone is meant to be there to cheer you on at the finish line. You will fall as many of us so often do, but don’t look at it as failure. Dust yourself off and try again! There will be many doors that may close in your face, but it takes only one door to be opened that can change your life forever. Sometimes opportunity may not always come knocking on your door, that’s when you need to knock on it’s door and let yourself in! Remember, you were destined for greatness and as you embark on this unfamiliar path know that we will be behind you cheering you on forward!

Excel by Alicia S. Azahar

What does excellence look like? I’m staring at it here today,
Being excellent isn’t just an act, but can be used in what we say,
It’s displayed in our ability to strive for merit in all we do,
It’s shown by pursuing our dreams until they do come true,
It’s not just about good grades, and being the star of the team,
Excellence is guided by our vision, to make our realities seen,
It’s well beyond what’s measured on our standard scale of feat,
Excellence is defined by our persistence even when we face defeat,
It’s shown by how we live our lives, and in the choices that we make,
Excellence is shown in our efforts, and in the risks that we take,
So stay focused on your task, and in everything you will do well,
Not just today, not just tomorrow, but every day you will excel!

It’s been awhile since my last blog, but I wanted to take time out today to see how you all were doing. I don’t mean the normal, “I’ve just been working hard, paying bills and taking care of my family” type of response either. I mean how are you really doing, mentally? With the pandemic still going on, all of the political agendas being propagated, rumors about this and that, deaths, natural disasters, food shortages in some areas and school back in session, many people are burned out. I almost felt like that this week with everything going on. We have this new system at work and I’m still struggling to learn how to use it properly. I was trying to conference a customer in with the local pharmacy and I accidentally transferred her and hung up. I tried calling her back, but the new system wouldn’t allow me to dial out. Today, I received two bad surveys from my customers for something that was out of my control (one of them was from the customer I accidentally transferred and hung up on instead of conferencing the call), I was late picking my son up from school because I had a last minute call that went over my normal work schedule and on the way to pick my son up from school my check engine light came on although my husband took it last week to get maintenance done on it. I later found out he put gas in my car the other day and forgot to close the cap on it. To some people this would be a bad day, but for others this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back! You’re probably thinking, “that’s nothing compared to what goes on in the daily lives of people who are truly suffering!” and that may be true, but some people are not able to handle these kind of stressors.

I just read an article yesterday about a mother who shot and killed her 12 year old son over a memory card. Yes, a memory card! Family members said she was struggling mentally and that she just saw a therapist the day before the shooting. I can’t imagine what was going through her mind to make a mother, who the father of the son, claimed was “A loving mom. She loved him more than she loved anything in the world,” want to murder her own flesh and blood. That story in itself jolted me and made me reflect on my own mental health. What could the mother have possibly been going through to make her want to harm her child? What caused this senseless act of murder? Surely it had to be deeper than her being upset over him not having the memory card. The father of the son even went on to say that, “People need to know that mental illness is real,”. There are so many people dealing with mental health issues and aren’t aware of it. They’ve been labeled as delusional, crazy, dramatic, sensitive, angry and many other things. What is Mental Illness? It is brain-based conditions that affect thinking, emotions, and behaviors. For people who have mental illnesses, their brains have changed in a way in which they are unable to think, feel, or act in ways they want to. For some, this means experiencing extreme and unexpected changes in mood like feeling more sad or worried than normal. For others, it means not being able to think clearly, not being able to communicate with someone who is talking to them, or having bizarre thoughts to help explain weird feelings they are having.

Mental health issues have always been around and it’s deeper than the local crazy man or woman people tend to gawk at and shun. It runs in families with illnesses such as: bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, ADHD, personality disorder, PTSD, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder and more. These disorders can affect anyone! Look at the different celebrities who have been diagnosed with mental health disorders or have either committed suicide: Kanye West, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, Carrie Fisher, Mel Gibson, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Demi Lovato, Jay Z, Russell Brand, Big Sean, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Taraji P. Henson, Keke Palmer and the list goes on and on. This is a serious matter that needs to be addressed! Too many people are battling mental health issues on a daily basis and haven’t gotten help. Or they don’t know how to! Which is why I ask this very important question again, “how are YOU doing?”. I highly suggest to get help sooner than later! Talk to a therapist, family member or someone who can get you the help that you need! Don’t wait until it’s too late and end up harming someone or yourself! In the words of Demi Lovato, “The advice I’d give to somebody that’s silently struggling is, you don’t have to live that way. You don’t have to struggle in silence. You can be un-silent. You can live well with a mental health condition, as long as you open up to somebody about it, because it’s really important you share your experience with people so that you can get the help that you need.”

Mental Health by Alicia Azahar

“She’s just crazy, you know she’s been that way for years”,
“I don’t know why she always brings that drama over here”,
“Acting like she’s all depressed, but you know it’s just an act”,
“I’m so tired of everyone always cutting her some slack”,
These type of labels are what people have to face every day,
Their mental health is disregarded and their problems are turned away,
They’re labeled as crazy, dramatic or overly sensitive,
When what they really need is for someone to sit down and listen,
Every day lives are lost by suicide from depression,
But how many of those lives could’ve been saved through intervention?,
We are so quick to judge without knowing all of the facts,
Mental health is real so please don’t assume it’s just an act,
When we see someone smiling we may think that they’re fine,
But that smile could be covering up those demons inside,
We don’t know what others go through on a day to day basis,
Anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder have many faces,
These are just some common disorders, but there are more on the list,
So don’t ignore anyone’s problems just because their symptoms don’t fit,
A smile, hug, or conversation just might help them get through,
Sometimes medication is necessary from a doctor’s point of view,
Mental health is a serious issue we all face everyday,
Some struggle more than others just to get through the day,
It could be your mom, dad, friend or even yourself,
So please be considerate when talking about someone’s mental health!

I know it’s been awhile since my last post, but don’t think that I ran out of things to talk about. I’ve been busy with work, family, personal things and getting everything together for my business. I know this title probably made a few of you pause and really tune in to what I’m about to say. Yes, I’m going to talk about “heart problems”, but not the physical ones. You see, I knew that this post would make some of you wonder about what condition I’m in, but thankfully my health is good! Today, I decided to go to church in person. It’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to connect with people in a building instead of through an online service. I’m not sure about your preference, but for me, it was a different kind of feeling. I woke up rather early this morning and made up my mind that I was going to spend a day with myself. Today would be a day for Alicia. No husband, children, family, friends or even the dog would get in my way! I decided to go to church alone, yes I said it, “ALONE”! I’ll pause for a minute to allow some of you to gasp, wag your finger at the screen or make a judgmental comment.

Was that enough time? Okay, back to the story. I knew that I was hoping for something today: peace, fresh air, or maybe even space, but I had to get away to find it. Now, it’s not to say that my family or home doesn’t bring me peace, but I needed a mental break from the chaos of life. Busy work week, the constant need of my time and services from others and simply school starting back with the great demands of EVERYTHING! Cry me a river right? Poor Alicia feeling the weight of the normal everyday life that we humans face everyday. When I arrived at church one of the attendants asked how many were with me and I quickly said, “one”. He asked me where I would prefer to sit and I told him that it didn’t matter. To be honest, I was just glad to be in the house of the Lord and feel His presence. The attendant led me to the front row and asked if that was okay, I politely said “yes” and he walked away. Now at this time the worship music was playing, but I didn’t really know that particular song. I looked at the projector and started singing along and trying to prepare my mind for worship. At first, it was an uncomfortable feeling because for one, it’s been awhile since I attended church in person and two, I was singing an unfamiliar song. I decided to let go and embrace that moment. I started concentrating on the lyrics and what they were saying, “Lord, I know my heart wants more of you. My heart wants something new. So I surrender all!”. In that moment, tears started streaming down my face. I mean, I literally stopped singing because I was crying so hard. Those very lyrics pierced me to my core! That’s when I realized this is what I truly wanted! Something new, more of him!

Now that was just the beginning of an awakening soon to be unfolded in front of my eyes. Next, comes the preacher and he starts talking about being “Beyond Ourselves”. I thought that was such a unique topic and maybe the opposite of what I was thinking this morning. I wanted to be within myself, deep in my own thoughts, isolated and unbothered. He goes on to share the message about how we, as a people, get so caught up in the chaos of life or our mess and want to escape from it. Often times we complain, comment or chastise situations or people suffering, but aren’t doing anything about it. How many times have we seen something “bother” us to the point where we post about it, but it doesn’t go farther than a four or five paragraph post? What good did that do for the individual suffering or the situation? How many times have we asked someone how they are doing, but truly didn’t care about HOW they were doing? I know I’ve been guilty of that many times and I’m sure I’m not alone. This is where the “heart problems” comes in. We have become so disconnected from things around us, people suffering, or the burdens of life that we don’t have the “heart” to try to help. The preacher talked about how if you want to find your purpose or figure out what your passion is, focus on the things that bother you or really tug at your heart strings. There awaits your PURPOSE! Quit allowing your “heart problems” to deaden you to the purpose of life! We were all put here to love, serve, heal and help one another not to hate, disrespect, belittle or harm. Even though I wanted to escape my surroundings, I still had a purpose in the midst of it all! Now, of course I still needed time to myself and to regroup, but that doesn’t mean that I should abandon those who need me the most! It made me really reflect on myself and the condition of my heart. I have the opportunity to truly make a difference in people’s lives. Not just something for me to talk about and give a half-hearted response to their circumstances. Let’s take a moment to check the condition of our hearts. If it bothers us to the point of talking about it, posting about it, or it pulls at our heart strings, then let’s start taking action and DO something about it!

This may seem like an odd request, but trust me, it will make sense in a moment. When I heard this during a message last week, I was like, “You want me to do what?!”. Who wants to remember their raggedy days? A lot of people spend their lives trying to forget. The preacher talked about remembering where we came from so that we can appreciate where we are in life. That message made me look back on a lot of things I went through. Those dark, lonely days when I didn’t know where my next meal was coming from or if my bills would get paid. Those days that I was too embarrassed to call home or ask someone for help! This message was so simple, yet so satisfying because it gave me exactly what I needed. The preacher talked about if it had not been for the Lord on my side where would I be? I’m not sure if you are a believer, but for those of you who are, I’m sure you can relate on a spiritual level. How many times in life have you been down to your last, suffering in silence or didn’t have anyone or anywhere to run to, but by the grace of God you made it? Even if you don’t believe, I’m sure there were instances in your life that you were at your lowest and you didn’t ever think you would bounce back, but look where you are now! You made it! Correction, WE made it!

Have you ever had a moment where you had to sit in your own misery? I mean really sit there and wallow in your pain. No matter what anyone said or did, it didn’t make a difference for your situation. You were so miserable that even a kind word fell on deaf ears. I can honestly say that I’ve been there and until this day, I can see those very events unfolding before my eyes. I remember my raggedy days all too well! It made me appreciate life even more so and when good things fell on my lap, I was so grateful that I didn’t want to take it for granted! A lot of times we try to cover up our suffering by pretending everything is fine, but we aren’t doing anyone any favors! The preacher talked about how we need to stop pretending that everything is okay when we know it’s not! Now, I’m not saying to go around telling everyone all of your business, but it’s okay to let someone know you aren’t doing well and maybe they can offer a kind word, prayer, or assistance.

Three major benefits I have found in the midst of my struggles are: it builds character, aids in personal growth and keeps me humble. Without the hard times I couldn’t possibly have appreciated the good times! You can use your raggedy days as an example to help someone during their hard times. Struggling is necessary for our overall growth and it’s healthy for us might I add! It brings me back to a song we use to sing in church called “I Won’t Complain, “I’ve had some good days, I’ve had some hills to climb. I’ve had some weary days and some sleepless nights. But when I look around and I think things over. All of my good days outweigh my bad days, I won’t complain”. Let’s take a moment to remember our raggedy days and appreciate how far we have come!

Watching Over Me by Alicia S. Azahar

Lord I know you’re with me even when I’m all alone,
You know my every thought even when they tend to roam,
You always watch over me even when my life’s a mess,
You strengthen me through my trials and prepare me for hard tests,
I know I’m far from perfect, but you love me still the same,
And when I’m feeling troubled, I know to call upon your name,
You never leave me empty you fill me up with your pure love,
You send your spirit down to comfort me from the heavens up above,
I can always count on you to guide me through the righteous path,
You know my every need even before I have to ask,
You bless me every day even though I don’t deserve it,
I praise your holy name because Lord you’re truly worth it,
I should never feel afraid because you protect me day and night,
And when I’m blinded by the world you help me see your precious sight,
Thank you for my salvation and always thinking the best of me,
And sitting high while looking low as you watch over me.

I struggled to figure out what I wanted to talk about today. It didn’t help that I just got back from vacation and it seemed like I wanted to do anything, but work! My mind was still set on vacation mode and all I could think about was the next one! I know patience is a virtue, but that little taste of fun in the sun and relaxation showed me just how rewarding it was to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Well, to be quite honest, a big part of my vacation was funded by the stimulus check I received, but nonetheless, I still worked hard to put in the hours just to take off and have spending money. This morning I literally racked my brain to figure out what I wanted to talk about and I guess it’s only fitting to talk about “back to reality.” Being that I just came back from vacation and all, reality has definitely sunk in!

It took everything in me to pull myself out of bed and log in to work! I hate that feeling of not wanting to be productive because Lord knows I definitely needed a little push today! The reality of being back to my normal everyday life made me think about “work hard, play hard.” I use to struggle to understand that concept. I would always see or hear about people clocking in all of these hours for a job that they more than likely despised, but for what? I always wondered why people worked themselves half to death for a job that could care less about their well-being. It wasn’t until I had a family of my own that I better understood this logic. I soon realized that showing up for work every day, putting in the necessary hours, sometimes sacrificing extra hours a week would open the door of opportunity for me to earn enough money to do the things that I enjoyed doing with my family. I could take them to the movies, out to eat, on vacations or simply have extra money at my disposal for whatever.

I used to sit and dream of taking my family on vacations, but wasn’t willing to put forth the extra hours to earn that privilege. I would see all of my friends going on trips with their families and wonder how they made it all possible. Those long hours they worked and sacrifices made it worth their while. They knew they had an ultimate goal and that was to enjoy the fruits of their labor! Work hard, play hard! It felt good to be able to take off and go to Florida with my family. Disney World, Legoland and other places we got to visit made me realize that this is why I work hard, not just to provide for my family, but also to share special moments like those! It was definitely a reality check coming back to work today, but I will say it made me appreciate my job and the fact that I was able to have the funds to enjoy my vacation with my family. The reality is that in order to do all of those fun things I have to work! Life is not always going to be vacations and fun trips, but it won’t always be working endless hours for the rest of my life either! Working hard to earn the time and money to spend time with my family was definitely worth it and as far as I’m concerned once you get a taste of the fruits of your labor, working hard will never feel the same!

What could I possibly have to talk about today? The irony of this blog in the middle of June in Texas, right? Well, I’m not referring to physically sweating, although what I’m about to share with you literally had me drenched in sweat, so here goes! Sunday I was invited out for my very first paid event. I received a phone call on Thursday evening a few days prior to the event and was asked to do spoken word for a birthday cookout. Now, imagine my excitement because I was about to get paid to do what I love, POETRY! Who wouldn’t be excited about getting paid to do something that they love? I asked the host what kind of poem she wanted me to do and she told me to speak about unity, bonding, or being together as a family. I mean, how fitting for such a wonderful event? Of course, I looked through my catalog of poetry to see if I had anything close to what was being requested, but I did not! Okay, no worries, no sweat off of my back (how funny to say this now, but just wait for it) so I decided to come up with a poem. Now mind you, this is on Friday that I started writing AND finished this poem. I went over it I know at least forty times between Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Well, the day of the event gets here and I get dressed while practicing some more. I literally had the whole poem down and was ready to showcase to this family what I had prepared for them.

My husband and I arrived to the event and greeted the family. The host asked if I would like a bottle of water and I happily accepted. She then asked if I would like to get started and I said yes. Now it was show time! I began to recite my poem just the way that I had rehearsed. I made eye contact with everyone and spoke loudly because they were really going to relate to what I was saying, right? Well, I’m three quarters of the way through my poem, the finish line was literally a few short lines away and all of a sudden I draw a blank! At this point I’m panicking, sweat starts dripping down my face and I try to say some words that I think are the next line, but it wasn’t making any sense! Embarrassment starts pooling through my pores and my heart is racing a mile a minute! Why can’t I think right now? I apologize and tell the audience I’m going to start over because this is definitely not me. I mean everyone is so supportive and telling me to stop apologizing. My husband is filming me in the midst of it all and all I can think about is how foolish I must look. He even let the audience know that I wrote this poem in one day and tried to memorize it on short notice. I start over, go through the same lines as rehearsed, get to the last few lines and forget AGAIN! This time I’m profusely sweating because everything that I had feared was happening AGAIN! I apologize some more, but by this time people are looking at me like “what are you doing?” (well at least in my head I felt that way). I decide to pull out my phone because of course I have it saved through my Evernote app and I breeze through it with no trouble. I receive an applause partly out of pity, I assume, but nonetheless I finish. I decide at that moment to make up for my poor performance and recite two poems I had written a few years ago. I nail those two and a few people in the audience asks, “how do you memorize those poems like that?!”. That made me feel good because soon they had forgotten about the previous disaster, or at least I hoped they did!

I will never forget in the midst of the first mishap the chef, who was recording me at the time told me, “It’s okay you’re doing good. Your poem is giving me goosebumps”. The host also told me to never apologize and that “now is the time to mess up because you’re with family!”. She also told me that the poem made her reminisce about back in the day hanging out at grandma’s house! At least that was an accomplishment, bringing back those memories of how we use to hang out at grandma’s house after church on Sunday. They knew it was my first paid gig and they definitely offered me a lot of grace! The host paid me for the event and my husband and I were on our way out when the chef ran up to me and asked for my business card. After I handed him my card, he talked to me and told me how talented I truly was and that I should never let the crowd know I messed up. He told me that even if I had stopped my poem right where I had forgotten my lines, the audience would’ve never known because I was in control. I command the room! He told me, “when you run your own business never think about the problem only solutions!” Those words of wisdom are something that I will always remember! Once we got into the car, I started crying because I was so angry at myself for my poor performance. My husband said to me, “Why are you crying? You did good! Who cares that you messed up, you killed those other two poems AND got paid for it!”. At that point, I had to really reflect on what just happened. Yeah, I bombed the first performance, but I redeemed myself by reciting two other ones and still left with more money than I came with! Why WAS I crying? I shared all of this with you to tell you that in life you WILL mess up, forget things, embarrass yourself, or fall short, but “Never let them see you sweat!”. Dust yourself off, pick yourself up and keep moving forward! It will get better and you can use those failures or mistakes as a learning opportunity to better yourself! I know I am and I can only go up from here!

I Miss Sundays by Alicia S. Azahar

I miss Sundays after church when my family would get together,
Fried chicken, cornbread and cabbage with bell peppers,
I couldn’t wait until Sunday to see all of my cousins,
The smell of granny’s peach cobbler baking in the oven,
Granny’s house was the spot for us all to hang out,
Dominoes slapping on the table as us kids ran about,
Our aunts in the kitchen making us a plate,
Sneaky hands grabbing bits of granny’s pound cake,
Scarfing down food so we can go outside and play,
Volleyball was the highlight of our entire day,
Joking with one another, laughter all around,
Basketballs bouncing all over the ground,
Whatever happened to Sundays at granny’s house?,
Nowadays it seems like no one wants to come out,
Except at funerals, weddings or when someone gets ill,
I miss sitting as a family and praying before meals,
We’ve all gone our separate ways, no sense of community,
Granny’s house is what kept us all in unity,
We need to get back together like we use to before,
Greetings passed all around as we walked through the door,
Granny’s house was the heart of all of our get togethers,
Fish fry’s, barbecues, nothing seemed better,
Elders sharing stories from back in the day,
Family secrets being told while sending nosy kids away,
Sundays at granny’s house was like a reunion each week,
Passing out hugs and giving kisses on the cheek,
I miss Sundays after church when my family would get together,
A life time of memories that I’ll always treasure!

It’s the middle of a new year and we are halfway done. I know many of us didn’t think we would make it as far as we have, but guess what, here we are! The uncertainty of the 2020 Covid pandemic brought about a lot of questions. Will everything ever be back to normal? Am I going to be able to work again and provide for my family? Will there be another stimulus check to help us through these difficult times? Is this going to be the new norm for our children to get their education through virtual learning? So many questions were asked and fewer answered. Well, fast forward to 2021 and look what has been accomplished so far. Jobs started opening back up for employees to come back onsite, restaurants are functioning at almost 100% capacity, masks are optional to wear now, vaccines have been created and administered (for the ones who choose to take it or are forced to), people are able to watch movies at the theater now instead of through Netflix, kids now have the option to go back to school or do virtual learning and the list goes on.

I had the opportunity to look around and realize how truly blessed I am. No job loss, no eviction, no sickness, and no loss of anything due to Covid! I actually gained a few things during that time: more money in my pockets (stimulus), savings on after school care, more quality time with my husband and children, a deeper relationship with God, self reflection, a promotion, and I could go on and on. This is not an opportunity to brag, but to show you that good things definitely can come out of a bad situation! I also witnessed people all around that have had good things come out of this bad situation as well. It gave me a greater appreciation for life and others. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly, but how we react and handle the situation can make all of the difference in the world. I can say, I was afraid at first, but my fears slowly started peeling away once I began to realize that I am not in control. I quickly found out that I didn’t call the shots and I had to accept that reality! My life seemed to get easier once I understood that. So I dare ask you this question. How are you? What are some positive things that came out of this situation for you? Do you see any changes from what we were faced against last year? What beauty was birthed out of this ugliness?

Farewell 2020 by Alicia S. Azahar

Dear 2020,
We heard that you were leaving soon so we thought we’d give you  a proper farewell,
This past year has been a rollercoaster for us,  but for some it was pure hell,
You just couldn’t leave quietly, could you? You had to go and cause a big scene,
As if Covid wasn’t enough for us, you went and pulled other schemes,
Political wars, violence, and racial tension to name a few,
Unemployment and depression, some people lost their homes too,
But what do you even care? You’re about to leave in several weeks,
Do us a favor, never come back and whatever you take it’s yours to keep,
We never thought we’d be so excited to see this year pass on by,
But believe us when we tell you, when you leave we will not cry,
We will not shed a single tear for you because we did enough of that already,
On a level of one to ten you’re one thousand times more petty,
You just sat back, watched and laughed as all hell broke loose,
You’d think twice before laughing if you had to walk a day in our shoes,
But it’s okay, we don’t hate you, you gave us a reason to keep on living,
When we look back over this year, we had a whole lot of “thanks given”,
You see, you made us a lot stronger than we ever  thought that we could be,
Even though we were quarantined it made us spend more time with our families,
You helped us save a lot of money, by keeping our children out of school,
And did we mention we saved on gas, with all of these mandatory “shut down” rules,
The holidays weren’t the same, but it made us love our families more,
It made us appreciate the times we took for granted once before,
Although you stole a lot from us, you gave us back more than you know,
We were the real stars of 2020, you just put on the show,
You thought that you could break us, but we’re more grateful in the end,
So farewell 2020, we hope we never see you again!

“I’m sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet!”. I just recently listened to this song and if you really pay attention to the lyrics, you can hear the pain and anger that Eminem experienced growing up. It made me pause for a moment and think about cleaning out my closet. The actual symbolism behind those words. I’m sure you’ve told your children to clean out their closets on numerous occasions. If your children are anything like mine, they will clean their room, but then throw all of their junk in the closet. The closet is just a storage to hide all of the things they don’t want their parents or company to see. This makes me think about life and how many of us have things stored inside of our “closets” that need to be cleaned out. With this whole pandemic last year, it really took a toll on a lot of people, myself included, but even more so, my daughter. One day in particular, my husband needed to get the flashlight he had let her use and ended up going inside of her closet to find it. She was very paranoid about him going in there and he found that rather odd. I mean of course as a preteen they want their privacy, right? What if she was embarrassed from the junk stored inside? Or maybe she had some snacks or stuff in there that wasn’t suppose to be? Our children can be very sneaky when they don’t think we are paying attention. They feel like their room is the only outlet away from everyone!

Growing up, there was no such thing as privacy in my parent’s house unless you were using the bathroom or changing clothes. I didn’t understand until I had children of my own the reason why it’s so important to know what your children are doing at all times. Okay, back to the story about my daughter’s odd behavior. So my husband thought it was strange how she was acting and so he and I had a conversation with her. Long story short, she thought that he was going to read her diary that she had hidden in there. It confused us because my husband was only looking for his flashlight and to be honest, he wasn’t concerned about the cleanliness of her closet at that time or what else she had inside. After probing and questioning her about her behavior she broke down and told us that she had wrote things inside of her diary that she didn’t want us to know about. Now, as a mother and a woman, I can definitely understand the importance of having a diary and expressing myself on paper. I had a diary growing up and would write about everything and yes, a lot of stuff was VERY very personal so I could only imagine what she must’ve wrote on those pages. We sat there guessing about what could possibly be so bad that she was afraid for us to find out. Is she having sex? Was she touched inappropriately? Does she have a boyfriend? Did she write about how much she disliked us? Did she take something that didn’t belong to her? I mean question after question being asked until finally we told her that unless she opens up to us, we were going to read what she had wrote.

Those forbidden words she must’ve entailed in her diary that only she knew about was now about to be exposed! The look of horror on her face as her little round cheeks turned red and hot tears poured down her face. The fact that she was now in this overwhelming emotional state had us even more curious. We gave her a moment to weep before asking again, “what did you write that is so bad?”. At this moment, we had to gain her trust so that she would be comfortable enough to confide in us with something so unbearable. “How can we help you and understand what’s wrong if you won’t tell us?” “There is nothing that you could do or have done that would make us stop loving you!” “We are your parents and we want to help”. I mean, just thinking about that day makes me tear up because my baby girl was in so much pain that the only thing I wanted to do in that moment was make her feel better. I felt hopeless, desperate, and I knew that I could’ve easily just grabbed the diary and read it myself, right? But, I wanted her to know that although that was a possibility, we wanted to build that bridge of trust so that no matter what she goes through in life she can ALWAYS come to us! Finally, in a meek voice, just above a whisper she said, “I wrote about wanting to kill myself!”. I think time paused for a few seconds because my heart dropped and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! In my head I was screaming, “No, not MY child!”. How dare this situation show up on my front door? I pray, we’ve gone to church, I tell her she’s beautiful, I even took notes from the movie “The Help”. “You is smart, you is kind, you is important!”. Why the hell didn’t any of that work?!

In that critical moment, we just grabbed her and hugged her allowing her to melt into our arms. My heart felt like it had broken into a thousand pieces! How could we have missed the signs? Why didn’t we see how bad she was hurting? Did we do something that made her feel this way? Once she calmed down we talked to her and tried to get to the root cause of everything. She expressed how she had been feeling like that for awhile and she shared some other things with us. That day was a wake up call for me as a parent, I didn’t want our daughter to be the next tragic story on the five o’clock news. A part of me felt this unbearable guilt and shame. I had been focused on my own problems, work, assisting them with distance learning and things around the house that I blocked my vision from seeing her! She was right in front of me screaming, “I’m here! I’m hurting! Hello?! Please come talk to me” that I couldn’t see it! I thank God that it took my husband going into her closet to find out what was hidden so deep inside! The dark, ugly monster hiding right in front of our faces this whole time. All we had to do was open the closet and see! I will say that she is doing a WHOLE lot better. She comes to us and talks about a lot of things. We frequently check on her and make sure she’s okay. I’m telling you from one parent to another, please check your children’s closets! I mean it, not just the physical ones either, but get to know them on a deeper level! Talk to them and see what’s going on! They could be getting bullied, feeling isolated, or just going through depression! Our children need us today, please don’t wait until it’s too late!

My Closet by Alicia S. Azahar

I need to clean out my closet, but I don’t want you to see,
Everything inside there that’s not suppose to be,
I’m trying my best to close it so that none of it spills out,
But my closet’s just too full, so I have no other route,
I had no other choice, what else was I suppose to do?,
I didn’t want to use your’s and overwhelm you too,
There’s so much hidden in there that I didn’t want to share,
I know you have your own stuff and probably wouldn’t care,
I don’t know what’s all in there, but I can tell it won’t be long,
Before my mess’s exposed and you see what doesn’t belong,
I need to clean out my closet, but I need a little help,
Normally I wouldn’t ask, but I can’t do it by myself,
I know you have your own mess, but mine is getting worse,
The stuff I hid inside there has now began to hurt,
My closet’s way to full for me to pretend it doesn’t exist,
There’s a lot I stored inside, too much to go down the list,
I need to clean out my closet, I can now no longer wait,
Before it all consumes me and by then it’ll be too late!