Does Time Heal All Wounds?

This is not going to be one of my typical blogs, today is very personal for me. Some of you may know and some may not, but today marks the 27th anniversary of my mother’s death. Part of me wanted to keep quiet and not say anything, but then again this message may help someone. It’s always been hard for me year after year because my mother was my everything. I was almost nine years old the year she passed away. I remember like yesterday walking into her room and finding her lying there still, cold, blue, and lifeless. I can still feel the chill in her room although around that time it was warm outside. Her face was blank, her eyes seemed to just stare out in wonder. A line of drool dripped from her mouth and blood ran from her nose. Sorry, but I’m going there. This is my story and my memory, I have to express myself this way as apart of my healing. I remember being in disbelief, the horrible image burning into my memory forever. Let me pause for a second to wipe my tears. Yes, I’m crying because reliving that moment is traumatizing. Imagine being that young and discovering your parent deceased. The pit of your stomach knotting up, heart racing, and legs weak from the fear. Your mind racing a mile a minute. Questions being asked, but not answered. You just want to close your eyes because you think you are just having a nightmare, but when you open them that same horrible scene is right in front of you, permanently. That’s what it felt like that moment, that day, that month, and that year. A horrible nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from!

I still remember her funeral, how beautiful she looked laying in her casket. I just stood there staring at her wondering why she had to leave me. Why couldn’t she just get up? Did I do something wrong? Did she want to leave my sister and I? My mother was a very beautiful woman. She had a smile that could light up a room and a laugh that would hug your soul. She loved to do this silly little dance in the hallway that would just tickle me to my core! I can see her now drinking Slim Fast and working out in the living room. My mother loved to take care of herself and stay in shape, I guess I get it honest! I remember the red polish on her nails, those soft pink rollers in her hair, and that robe she would often wear around the house. She loved watching “In the Heat of the Night” and her soap operas. Often, I would find her alone in her room listening to Gospel music or reading romance novels. I use to love just being in there with her and laying in her bed seeing what she was up to. Although she probably needed some alone time, I just loved being around her; feeling her presence and absorbing her calm spirit. In my mind, no one was better than my mama!

I know you are probably wondering how this blog ties into the topic, “Does Time Heal All Wounds?” and I’m going to get there. I just needed a moment to appreciate and reflect on one of God’s most beautiful creations. Sadly, I wish I could definitely say that time does heal all wounds, but I can’t. I’ve been carrying around this pain for 27 years now. I will say that time makes it not as painful. These past several years have flown by and it has gotten a lot easier to deal with her death, but I will never forget her or that tragic day! I don’t cry as much, but I still cry because she was a big part of me! I always wonder how she would look now, what we’d talk about, how excited she would be to meet her grandchildren, the advice I would get from her from bad relationships, and would she be my best friend as I see so many mothers and daughters get to be. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been robbed from getting that chance to know, but I understand that I can’t reverse the hands of time. God must’ve needed her more than I did. So for me personally, time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds, but it does lessen the pain of that wound. My mother is never coming back and that’s definitely a wound that will always remain, but time has allowed me to process my pain. My therapy has and will always be writing! The pain I feel has caused me to be creative and expressive through writing. Time has allowed me the opportunity to embrace the good times I had with my mother and to cherish those sweet memories. Time has made me appreciate and understand that life is but a glimpse of moment placed in time, the clock is ticking. Time has made me exactly who I am today. Every tragedy, every victory, every happy moment, every sad moment, every good thing, and every bad thing is exactly what makes me, ME! I’m not sure if anyone of you who is reading this message has ever lost a parent, but I will tell you please make sure to give them their roses while they are alive!

Missing You (by Alicia Azahar)

Walking into your room that day,
It made my blood turn cold,
You weren’t suppose to die yet,
At least not til’ you were old,
I didn’t want to believe it,
I just hugged you last night,
Who would take care of us now?
And make sure that we’re alright,
You just layed there in silence,
You didn’t blink or bat an eye,
My hands softly touched your body,
As tears poured from my eyes,
How could you be gone so soon?
And just leave us both behind,
Were you even sad to leave us?
What thoughts ran through your mind?
You were my mom, yet my friend,
Your life was snatched away so quick,
No more pancakes in the morning,
No more hugs when we were sick,
No more dancing in the hallway,
No more sleeping in your bed,
No more polish on your nails,
No more rollers on your head,
No more trips to the laundry mat,
No more helping you fold clothes,
No more combing our pretty hair,
No more making us wear bows,
How could this happen to an angel?
Who was loved and held so dear,
The very absence of your presence,
Makes me wish that you were here,
I know that you were suffering,
And God granted you eternal rest,
He returned one of his angels,
Because He always knows what’s best.
If I could have another day with you,
I’d cherish that moment til the end,
But for now rest in peace mommy,
And I hope to see you then.