Uninterrupted Thoughts

This one really hits home for me because I’m sure for those of you who have experienced any kind of trauma, different situations in life can trigger you. I’m going to even go as far as saying different sounds, unwelcome touches, smells, foods and songs all have been triggers for me. Now of course not all of them are bad, you can actually have positive ones as well. I remember my very first kiss, I was sitting in the car of this guy I was dating and the song “Differences” by Ginuwine was playing in the background. “My whole life has changed, since you came in I knew back then, you were that special one. I’m so in love, so deep in love“. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, but years later although the guy and I were no longer dating, each time I heard those familiar lyrics it brought me back to that specific moment 20 years ago. That was a positive memory and the song was a good trigger, but I’ve had some negative ones as well.

I remember one day in particular, my husband was trying to be affectionate with me and came from behind me to give me a kiss and a hug, but I rejected his embrace. In that moment, I didn’t really understand or realize that I was being triggered by that harmless gesture. I mean, it was just my husband trying to love on his wife, but in my head I was being sexually assaulted. That familiar unwelcome touch brought me back to a time where a guy that I barely even knew did the same thing to me at a club and even went as far as putting his hands between my legs. I remember feeling disgusted and angry because I didn’t give him permission to touch me in that way! I can still see the look of surprise on his face when I elbowed him off of me and cursed him out for doing that! That specific memory still makes me cringe to this very day! The feeling of being violated was humiliating! I can honestly say that I do still tense up from time to time, but I had to realize that was one of my negative triggers and find a way to deal with it in a healthier manner. I’m glad I have an understanding husband who is patient with me.

There are so many different types of triggers from internal: anger, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, loneliness, pain, sadness, muscle tension, and memories tied to a traumatic event and external: arguing, certain times of day, sounds, changes or break ups in your relationship, significant dates, smells and specific locations. Sometimes you can react emotionally to something because of certain triggers before you even realize why you are upset. I’ve done this plenty of times in my life! Something that has helped me with coping with my triggers is to first know what they are. I can’t possibly try to manage them without recognizing what they are in the first place. I also talk to my husband or close family/friends about it as well. Having someone to talk to has really helped me throughout the years. Another coping mechanism is writing and working out. Anytime I feel tense or triggered I write it down or do a quick 30 minute workout. I’m not sure if this is your style of coping, but these are some good suggestions in case you decide to try them. In the words of Vienna Pharon, “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern and the story and walk your way to a different ending”.

This is not going to be one of my typical blogs, today is very personal for me. Some of you may know and some may not, but today marks the 27th anniversary of my mother’s death. Part of me wanted to keep quiet and not say anything, but then again this message may help someone. It’s always been hard for me year after year because my mother was my everything. I was almost nine years old the year she passed away. I remember like yesterday walking into her room and finding her lying there still, cold, blue, and lifeless. I can still feel the chill in her room although around that time it was warm outside. Her face was blank, her eyes seemed to just stare out in wonder. A line of drool dripped from her mouth and blood ran from her nose. Sorry, but I’m going there. This is my story and my memory, I have to express myself this way as apart of my healing. I remember being in disbelief, the horrible image burning into my memory forever. Let me pause for a second to wipe my tears. Yes, I’m crying because reliving that moment is traumatizing. Imagine being that young and discovering your parent deceased. The pit of your stomach knotting up, heart racing, and legs weak from the fear. Your mind racing a mile a minute. Questions being asked, but not answered. You just want to close your eyes because you think you are just having a nightmare, but when you open them that same horrible scene is right in front of you, permanently. That’s what it felt like that moment, that day, that month, and that year. A horrible nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from!

I still remember her funeral, how beautiful she looked laying in her casket. I just stood there staring at her wondering why she had to leave me. Why couldn’t she just get up? Did I do something wrong? Did she want to leave my sister and I? My mother was a very beautiful woman. She had a smile that could light up a room and a laugh that would hug your soul. She loved to do this silly little dance in the hallway that would just tickle me to my core! I can see her now drinking Slim Fast and working out in the living room. My mother loved to take care of herself and stay in shape, I guess I get it honest! I remember the red polish on her nails, those soft pink rollers in her hair, and that robe she would often wear around the house. She loved watching “In the Heat of the Night” and her soap operas. Often, I would find her alone in her room listening to Gospel music or reading romance novels. I use to love just being in there with her and laying in her bed seeing what she was up to. Although she probably needed some alone time, I just loved being around her; feeling her presence and absorbing her calm spirit. In my mind, no one was better than my mama!

I know you are probably wondering how this blog ties into the topic, “Does Time Heal All Wounds?” and I’m going to get there. I just needed a moment to appreciate and reflect on one of God’s most beautiful creations. Sadly, I wish I could definitely say that time does heal all wounds, but I can’t. I’ve been carrying around this pain for 27 years now. I will say that time makes it not as painful. These past several years have flown by and it has gotten a lot easier to deal with her death, but I will never forget her or that tragic day! I don’t cry as much, but I still cry because she was a big part of me! I always wonder how she would look now, what we’d talk about, how excited she would be to meet her grandchildren, the advice I would get from her from bad relationships, and would she be my best friend as I see so many mothers and daughters get to be. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been robbed from getting that chance to know, but I understand that I can’t reverse the hands of time. God must’ve needed her more than I did. So for me personally, time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds, but it does lessen the pain of that wound. My mother is never coming back and that’s definitely a wound that will always remain, but time has allowed me to process my pain. My therapy has and will always be writing! The pain I feel has caused me to be creative and expressive through writing. Time has allowed me the opportunity to embrace the good times I had with my mother and to cherish those sweet memories. Time has made me appreciate and understand that life is but a glimpse of moment placed in time, the clock is ticking. Time has made me exactly who I am today. Every tragedy, every victory, every happy moment, every sad moment, every good thing, and every bad thing is exactly what makes me, ME! I’m not sure if anyone of you who is reading this message has ever lost a parent, but I will tell you please make sure to give them their roses while they are alive!

Missing You (by Alicia Azahar)

Walking into your room that day,
It made my blood turn cold,
You weren’t suppose to die yet,
At least not til’ you were old,
I didn’t want to believe it,
I just hugged you last night,
Who would take care of us now?
And make sure that we’re alright,
You just layed there in silence,
You didn’t blink or bat an eye,
My hands softly touched your body,
As tears poured from my eyes,
How could you be gone so soon?
And just leave us both behind,
Were you even sad to leave us?
What thoughts ran through your mind?
You were my mom, yet my friend,
Your life was snatched away so quick,
No more pancakes in the morning,
No more hugs when we were sick,
No more dancing in the hallway,
No more sleeping in your bed,
No more polish on your nails,
No more rollers on your head,
No more trips to the laundry mat,
No more helping you fold clothes,
No more combing our pretty hair,
No more making us wear bows,
How could this happen to an angel?
Who was loved and held so dear,
The very absence of your presence,
Makes me wish that you were here,
I know that you were suffering,
And God granted you eternal rest,
He returned one of his angels,
Because He always knows what’s best.
If I could have another day with you,
I’d cherish that moment til the end,
But for now rest in peace mommy,
And I hope to see you then.

This has been the motto for a lot of people for awhile now including myself. Everyone has his or her own interpretation of exactly what that means to them specifically. For some it could mean living it up partying each weekend. For others it could mean putting your best foot forward by doing “the things I hope to do someday” now instead of waiting until later. However you interpret that meaning can impact your daily life. Personally, whenever I think about “living my best life” I think about what truly makes me happy! Not what makes other people happy. Whether it’s not hanging out some much and getting some much needed “me time”, trying a new hobby, getting into the best shape of my life or spending more time with loved ones, whatever I choose to do I am maximizing on my happiness!

A few years ago, I had a customer tell me that she had saved almost $200,000 dollars for her retirement and she was going to live off of that and travel. Well, unfortunately for her, she ended up with a lot of health issues and most of her money went towards hospital bills and medication. She told me that she regretted not traveling more when she was younger and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I could hear the regret in her voice and it definitely woke me up! I use to be the person that said, “when I get older I’m going to travel more”, but to be honest that day may never come. Life is too short and tomorrow is not guaranteed! Working in my line of business I get unsolicited advice from older people often and they always tell me “don’t wait until you’re my age to travel or to enjoy life! Do it now!”. That’s something that has stuck with me over the years! Why wait until you’re too old to start living your best life? What’s the point in waiting to a certain age when you can be doing it now? Think about all of the memories you could be making at this very moment in time.

It’s not always about the tangible benefits in life, but the benefits that will affect our overall well-being! Sometimes cutting toxic people out of your life and avoiding drama can aid in living your best life. Removing any and all things that threaten your sanity or peace of mind can aid in living your best life. How about letting go of that job that’s been causing you high blood pressure and applying for a new job. Or what about stepping out on faith and starting that business you’ve been putting on the back burner for several years now? The choice is yours! What’s stopping you from living your best life?

This is something that I have learned in my adult years. I never quite understood the concept until it was explained to me. I was one to always get upset really quick especially when I felt as though someone was antagonizing me. I never particularly cared for being yelled at either. It was as though someone’s insulting words cast a spell over my emotions and threw me into their entrapment of a confrontation. I remember the horrible feeling afterwards, how enraged I felt, the feeling that I allowed someone to get the best of me. Those words of annoyance, disgust, and resentment that spewed from my mouth that I couldn’t take back. That very feeling that made me feel smaller than a grain of salt.

Recently, I had an encounter with a particular person, who for some reason unknown to me, was just pure rude. This is not the first interaction I’ve had with this person and each time I have to bring my emotions back down from a 10 to 1. Part of me wanted to get on their level, but I had to decide to take the high road. I mean, what’s the point in arguing with someone and ruining my day, right? I had to really examine this situation and I came to the realization that this person may have some personal issues out of my control that causes them to act the way that they do. Now is it fair that someone can be so bitter and rude to a person who had absolutely no hand in their discontent? Absolutely not! But, I do have the power to choose how I respond to the situation. I did respond in a sweet manner and told the person to “have a blessed day!”

Someone once told me that once you feed into someone’s charades and allow them to take you out of character then they win! That piece of advice resonated in my mind! Why am I allowing someone to entangle me into their web of ignorance? I had to learn to stop allowing people to live rent free in my mind. Once you decide to not entertain drama and deflect your anger to something more positive that person can’t gain control over you. He who angers you controls you! This statement couldn’t be more true! You may say, “how can someone control me by making me angry?” Think about how many times you’ve became angry and wanted to either fight, argue, or it could’ve just ruined your whole day! That person that upset you stayed on your mind throughout the day and caused you to be negative towards other people who weren’t apart of the confrontation. You’re sitting there thinking about what else you could’ve said or done to one up that person. Now instead of enjoying your day, you are sitting there sulking because your feelings are hurt or your ego has been threatened! It’s not a good feeling right? So let’s not allow people to control us by sucking us into their negativity!! In the words of a wiseman, “Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.”

The other day my daughter was reading an article from our local magazine and she brought to my attention a statement that one of the new medical facilities posted in there. It stated that they were the best! She kind of laughed and asked, “How can they be the best when they just opened?” I thought that was a rather bold statement, but the more I thought about what they said it made me realize just how confident one has to be to claim that title. I’m not talking about the arrogant, cocky type of attitude, but the mere confidence in knowing what you possess. The definition of confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. This facility prided itself in knowing that it has the best to offer: medical staff, equipment, services, and etc. That small, bold statement made such an impression on my daughter although she was skeptical, it still caused her to raise the question. It wasn’t that she knew what they were capable of and asked the question because she didn’t believe them. It was more out of curiosity than anything that made her want to know.

To be honest, it made me reflect on my life and how I view myself. How confident am I in ME? Am I aware of all of my qualities, traits, gifts, and skills to rate myself in such a way? Have you ever filled out a job application and on there it asked you to rate your level of expertise in whatever categories they had on there? For example: novice, advanced beginner, competent, proficient, and expert. Did it ever make you question which one you were or caused you to second guess yourself? I know for me it has in the past! How often do you hold yourself to a high standard? If someone asked you to rate yourself at your job, would you give yourself a high rating? Do you believe in yourself enough to proclaim boldly that you are the best? Confidence is something that not everyone possesses. It’s not something that can be bought or borrowed. It comes from within and spreads without.

If you are unsure about your confidence level or would like to build up your confidence here are some suggestions: know your strengths, do one thing that scares you everyday or once a week, acknowledge your limitations, attempt a new activity or hobby, accept compliments, practice daily affirmations, show yourself kindness, and teach people how to treat you. You can build your confidence, but it’s up to you to do it. Start believing in yourself and appreciate the qualities that you have! One of the most powerful quotes I’ve heard is from Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What I’m about to tell you is going to rock your world, but in a good way. At least I hope it does! I mean, this revelation freed some uncertainties and gave me a little slice of peace. This may even help save you from hurt feelings in the future. It opened my eyes to understanding other people’s responses or “lack thereof” to certain situations and also showed me why I need to stop taking things so personal! I have my sister, Ashley to thank for this one! First, I want you to think about this statement, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and figure out what that means to you specifically. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is that an empty cup has no value or use. Think about being thirsty on a hot summer day and someone hands you an empty cup for you to drink from. Do you think that empty cup is going to quench your thirst and provide what you need? Of course not! That’s the same response from a person who has nothing inside to give you.

You’re probably still a little confused, but I will break it down for you. Have you ever heard of a story about someone’s mother, father or anyone not in particular growing up with a tough upbringing? What I mean is that they may have been abused, neglected, or not shown the love that you would expect most children to have growing up. So in turn, they don’t have anything to give you. You may be wondering “Why doesn’t my mother tell me she loves me?” “Why doesn’t my father hug me?” “Why doesn’t my parents/family pay attention to me?” “Why is this person or that person so emotionally unattached to circumstances that have caused me pain?” Well, as I said earlier, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”! You can’t expect someone to give you something they don’t have! Trust me, you may be thinking “but I know plenty of people that grew up with terrible upbringings and they still show love, compassion, and etc”. That may be true for SOME people, but a lot of times when someone has gone through their own trauma and haven’t healed from it, they can’t process in their minds that their actions may have caused some discord in their relationship with you.

I know it hurts because we as humans only want to feel valued, loved, respected, accepted and noticed. We expect people to treat us in the same manner as we treat them, but I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way! Sometimes people are so numb from the pain that they’ve endured over the years that they can’t feel the pain they may have caused you. It may come as a surprise, but if you actually sit down and learn someone’s back story, it will reveal to you why their emotions, reactions, and responses to certain people are cold or even dead.

I have put together a few tips to help deal with expecting something out of people who don’t have anything to give: take the time to understand their story or past experiences they’ve gone through (this will help you better understand why they treat you like they do), express your concern to that individual(s) and let them know how you feel in a non-confrontational way (sometimes people don’t even realize that they’ve hurt you so shedding light on the situation may make them more aware), accept the fact that not everyone will treat you how you treat them (you have to be okay with that and can either accept it or not), figure out what you want out of that relationship with that person (is this person in your life permanently or are they seasonal), and quit expecting an apology that you may not get from that person. Remember, “Although you can’t pour from an empty cup, you do have the opportunity to fill it up!”

I’m sure this topic is relatable especially if you’ve ever experienced a natural disaster or traumatic event. If you are from Texas such as myself, then more than likely you’ve just recently went through that terrible “Winter Storm”. Who would’ve thought we would experience Alaska in Texas in the middle of February? Recently on the news, it was reported that many people had pipes that burst which resulted in water damage to their homes or apartment complexes while others had house fires, car wrecks, and were without running water for days. Other states had these “series of unfortunate events” as well and as a result, nearly 58 people have died. Sometimes the “aftermath” is more detrimental than the actual event itself!

What does “aftermath” mean? It’s the consequences or after effects of a significant unpleasant event. Some examples of those events are: earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, blizzards and car wrecks. Think about 911 and what happened when the Twin Towers and the Pentagon were attacked. Shortly after, America’s policies, everyday experiences and politics were changed. Security was tighter than ever at the airports and a lot of people were more fearful of certain groups of people. Although the “aftermath” can leave a lasting negative impression on society, what if it could leave a positive outlook on the world?

I know what you’re probably thinking, “but how can death, destruction and adversity leave people with a positive impression?” I’m not saying that it’s as simple as pretending that it didn’t happen, but you can look at it in a sense of “counting your blessings” outside of your losses. “But how can I do that?” or “Why would I want to do that?”. Because most of the situations that have happened in your life were only temporary circumstances! Houses can be rebuilt, pipes can be replaced, water can dry up, cars can be repaired, roads can be fixed, fires can be extinguished, and broken bones can heal, but we have to keep pushing forward! During these trying times, I saw a lot of destruction everywhere, but I also witnessed communities coming together helping those in need!

Throughout history, if you look back at some of the most horrific events or natural disasters you see where people lent a helping hand to their neighbor. I have seen people come together these last few days and give aid where it was needed. That’s the beauty of life! Broken things can be fixed or even replaced! Someone is always willing to step in when the storms of life knock us down! Now of course, no one’s life can be replaced, by all means, but that just gives us more urgency to appreciate our loved ones who are here with us right now! So let’s not allow the storms in our lives to destroy our happiness and block us from seeing the rainbow on the other side!

This question has mentally and physically imprisoned me for many years. “What if something happens?” “What if I don’t make it?” “What if it doesn’t work out?” Always the question of “what if?” revolving around my mind. It wasn’t until I spoke with a group of ladies from Bible study that I realized why I asked that nagging question. It derived from the “fear of the unknown”. I used that question as a shield to protect me from what I thought would be a wrong choice or mistake had I jumped onboard and followed the path to uncertainty. It was a way to keep me right where I wanted to be: comfortable, content, unscathed, and free from failure. It was an easy way out for me, but what I didn’t realize is that I was blocking myself from: personal growth and development, better opportunities, more flexibility, financial freedom, and overall security for my family and I.

I have never been much of a risk taker when it came to my own personal development. Throughout the years, I’ve had people tell me how great of a “this or that” I am or that I should be doing all of these awesome things, but why didn’t I see that for myself? I remember one of the ladies telling me that I needed to turn off that negative thinking and start focusing on the positive. If I keep saying, “what if?” and allowing that to control my life, I’m never going to know “what if not?”. Imagine how many opportunities I passed up just because I was too afraid to step out and take a chance. I had other people betting on me, but I couldn’t even take a chance on myself! If I wasn’t qualified for those opportunities they would have never came knocking on my door, but I was too blinded by the “what if’s” that I allowed them to pass on by. How many of you have just been getting by in life? How long have you been playing it safe? What’s holding you back from taking advantage of new opportunities? I know that it can be scary to step out of your comfort zone and really push yourself toward new opportunities, but trust me, you will thank yourself later! I received a promotion last year by stepping out of my bubble of contentment and applying for a better job opportunity! My finances increased and it helped boost my confidence! It made me want more because I actually took a chance and allowed myself to see the possibilities of how much more I can achieve. In the words of Les Brown, “Sometimes I believe it is best to take the child’s approach to life, which assumes no limitation at all. Children set out to do things without knowing that they are not supposed to be able to do them.”

For the longest time, I thought both of these pretty much meant the same. I mean they both rhyme, right? Just kidding. It wasn’t until I started working in customer service that I had a deeper understanding of each one. Let’s be honest, it can be overwhelming dealing with customers every single day and sometimes what they are going through may not necessarily appeal to your ears. You sit there listening to endless sob stories and wonder, “when will you shut up?!” all the while giving a half way attempt of sounding sincere and apologizing for their misfortune. You try your best to be as polite as possible, but even through the “I’m sorry’s”, “That’s horrible” and “I hate that happened to you” you feel disconnected from the whole conversation.

Why can’t you connect with them? Well, to answer your question, it’s a lack of empathy that is holding you back. Don’t worry, I’ll explain here in a few what I mean. Today, I watched a YouTube video about “Empathy vs. Sympathy” by Brene Brown, where she explained the differences and I must say, I was intrigued. She explained how empathy “fuels connection” while sympathy “drives disconnection”. Empathy is about making a connection with someone, not just about saying “I’m sorry” or understanding the “why’s” of the person’s emotions. When you empathize with someone you look at the situation from their perspective. You put yourself in their shoes and by doing that you have no room to judge them. Also, it allows you to recognize that person’s emotion and it gives you an opportunity to connect with it. For example: a person is having a hard time dealing with isolation during the pandemic and can’t see their family. Instead of you saying, “I’m sorry you feel so lonely!” You could say, “It definitely has been difficult being quarantined and not being able to see our families. I miss mine so much! I know exactly how you feel! We will get through this!”

Sympathy, on the other hand, would not be as heartfelt, it’s more of understanding that person’s emotion without connecting to it. It would sound more like, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I know personally, I’ve had people respond like that in the past. It makes you feel unimportant and that what you’re going through has been cast aside with all the other sad stories! You feel like all that person wants to do is hurry up and get you off of their phone! It may not always happen when your are conducting business, it could also be in your day to day life conversing with family or friends. When I hear the word sympathy, it makes me think about those Hallmark cards you get when someone passes away. It’s more of a generic reply to a bad situation instead of a heartfelt, “I hate to hear about the pain you are going through, I’ve recently lost some relatives this year and I’m still grieving them as well” sort of response.

I’m not saying using sympathy is a bad thing by any means, but if you want to connect more with family, friends, or customers, practice using empathy by remembering this acronym “Emotionally Making a Personal Attachment Through Hearing You”.

I know you’re probably wondering where this topic is about to lead to, but first let me explain for those of you who don’t know about this statement. There was a video that circulated back in 2019 where a guest at a Holiday Inn Express in Austin, Texas was refused a room due to her calling a hotel worker a racial slur over the phone while trying to book a room last minute. She pleaded with him to give her a room due to the recent death of her mother, but instead he referred her to a nearby Best Western and told her, “It’s above me now!”. Where am I going with this you ask?

How many of you have been in a situation where you feel like your hands have been tied? I’m not just talking about dealing with customers at work, but life in general. You’ve been fussing at your kids all week to do their homework and chores and you’re ready to snap. Your bills are piling up faster than you’re able to pay them. You’re sick and had to miss work for the umpteenth time this month. Your marriage or relationship is in shambles and you don’t know what to do. You’ve been to several funerals recently and are tired of losing loved ones. It seems like you’re falling down the rabbit hole and all hell is breaking loose! You look around and everyone is having their own issues that they are trying to work through so you don’t want to bother them with your sob story! Well, my friends, I said all that to say this, “It’s above you now!” Sometimes you have to put it in upper managements hands when you can’t control what’s going on around you! I’m referring to God, because he’s the only one who can solve all of your problems!

Sometimes life kicks you when you are down, but you have to take a step back and let the chaos know, “It’s above me now!”. You aren’t going to solve every problem, react the best in every situation, or always make the right decisions, but you can rest assured knowing that when it’s out of your hands, you can put it in the hands of God. There is no problem too big for him! He even reminds us in Psalms 50:15, “And call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” How comforting to know that you have a higher power intercepting on your behalf to handle those tough situations! Sometimes we have to take a step back from life and understand that it’s too much for us to handle! When the enemy is trying to break you and get the best of you just stand bold and say, “It’s above me now!”